Boris Johnson on New Squidward Chat

"Boris Johnson on New Squidward Chat" is the first episode of... New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * Boris Johnson
 * Incidental
 * (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * Rishi Sunak (mentioned)
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * (called "Dudders")
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Peppa Pig (mentioned)
 * Daddy Pig (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * Elmo 3V announcer
 * Super Grover
 * Joe Biden (mentioned)
 * Telly Monster
 * Cop
 * Elmo 3V employee
 * Paramedic
 * Cop
 * Elmo 3V employee
 * Paramedic
 * Paramedic

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

[the camera is on a picture of Squidward smoking]

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. [he puts his hand in front of the picture] I'm over here! [the camera zooms onto him] Today on "New Squidward Chat", we're joined by former British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson! It's nice to have you on the show Boris-

Boris Johnson: [interrupting] HELLO! GOOD EVENING!

Squidward: Now you wanted to start this show with a speech about Ukraine.

Boris Johnson: Uh, yes. So. [the picture of Squidward smoking falls off of the wall, leaving a mess on the floor] Thanks to the heroism of the Ukrainian armed forces, [Squidward motions to someone behind the camera] thanks in part to the weapons that we are proud to be offering, [an incidental walks onto the set to sweep up the broken picture frame], I congratulate my right honourable friend on his description of the work of the UK armed forces, the weapons that we're sending- the- the- the huge list. Uh, thanks also of course to the [pause] inspirational leadership of- of Vladimir Putin. The inspirational leadership of Volodymyr Zelenskyy, uhh, forgive me.

Squidward: Did you have any parties with Volodymyr Zelenskyy during the Covid-19 pandemic?

Boris Johnson: Uhh, no. Uh, just to remind you, the Covid-19 virus is something that I actually introduced just- just-

[Squidward looks at the camera confused]

Boris Johnson: But, but, but there's plenty of things we, uh, got wrong, uh, during the pandemic. I didn't realise I was at a party, I didn't, uh, think there was anything we were doing wrong. I, uh, was, uh, wearing a suit! So I thought I was, uh, still working. [yelling can be heard in the background] But, but, we did get, uh, some things right. Like, uhh... [he gets out his scripted answers] Uh... Forgive me- forgive me- forgive me-... Uhh... The vaccines! I hope, hope, hope that, uh, someday, Rishi Sunak's government, or indeed whoever will be the prime minister in the next 20 seconds, will be able to create a virus that can defeat the virus.

Squidward: OK... [yelling can be heard in the background again] Now, [yelling can still be heard in the background] can the producer do something about that noise? [the producer walks off in front of the camera] Now, you were going to run for Tory leader again, you told your friend "Dudders" that you were up for it, you didn't run in the end. What was that about?

Boris Johnson: Well, uh... [the producer opens the door]

SpongeBob: [yelling at Patrick] You're just a big blob of [LONG BLEEP]

[the producer closes the door]

Boris Johnson: Uh, what's going on out there?

Squidward: Just ignore it, do carry on.

Boris Johnson: Well, I did have enough support, uh, I did a lot of good things as Prime Minister. We got Brexit done! Uh, did I mention vaccines already? I think I did. Uh... Well, the reason I didn't stand again, is because I didn't feel the party was united. Uh, it simply wasn't the right time.

Squidward: OK. So, uhh... [A LOUD BANG IS HEARD] What the?! Who's setting off fireworks at this time of day?! Anyway, I'm a big fan of the arts. What are you most proud of in British culture?

Boris Johnson: Well, have you ever been to Peppa Pig world?!

Squidward: No, I haven't.

Boris Johnson: Well. [laughs] I was a bit hesitant about what I would find at Peppa Pig World, but I loved it! [ANOTHER LOUD BANG IS HEARD] Peppa Pig World is very much my kind of place. Uhh- it- it- it- uhh- it- it- has, a- uh- very safe streets! Uhh... discipline in schools. Uhh... Heavy emphasis on new mass transit systems I- I noticed. Uh, even if they're a bit stereotypical about- about- Daddy Pig. Uh- [ANOTHER LOUD BANG IS HEARD] but the real lesson for me [sniffs] going to Peppa Pig World, I'm surprised you haven't been there. Uh- was about the power, of UK creativity. Uh- who would've believed, uh, Squidward, that a pig that looks like a hairdryer, uh, or possibly a well a sort of Piccasso like a hairdryer.

Squidward: Mr. Johnson, frankly is everything OK?

Boris Johnson: I think this show is going rather well.

Squidward: ...OK. Well. [ANOTHER LOUD BANG IS HEARD] OK, I have had enough of this!

[Squidward gets up and leaves the set, going to his front door with the camera following him. He opens the front door.]

Squidward: [yelling] SpongeBob! Patrick! What do you think you're doing?! [SpongeBob shoots a gun at Patrick] SpongeBob! Why are you-?! [Patrick shoots a gun at SpongeBob] Patrick! What the fuck is-?! [LONG BLEEP, SpongeBob shoots at Squidward by accident as he falls to the ground]

[Test card]



Elmo 3V announcer: Hello, we apologise for the interruption to New Squidward Chat, there. There's a thing happening over there. Uh, also apologies for any strong language that you may have heard before the show went off-air. These things happen. Uh, we're going to cut to an alternative programme now and we hope to rejoin New Squidward Chat shortly. Uh, here are the latest headlines from Elmo News with opinion reporter Super Grover.

[Elmo News sting]

Super Grover: Hello. These are the latest headlines from Elmo News! It is :00 on 28 August 2024! Coronavirus is fake. [silence] Here's Oscar the Grouch with the latest.

Oscar the Grouch: Grover you're an idiot, Covid-19 is still around and people should still be testing regularly if they have symptoms as well as getting boosted if they're eligible.

Super Grover: Shut up Oscar, you liberal. Coronavirus is fake, I read about it on the internet.

Oscar the Grouch: Where's your source?

Super Grover: The government controls the internet so I can't find the source. In other news, I did not have sex with that child. [silence] Here's our crime reporter Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster: Uhh, actually Super Grover is currently under investigation by the police over alleged sexual offences. There's a photo of Super Grover apparently about to kidnap children available here.

Super Grover: Yeah thanks for that FAKE NEWS. Politics now, I support QAnon and I raided the Capitol. Elmo joins us, what do you think of that?

Elmo: Uh, Elmo not sure about that, Grover. The Capitol raid was very dangerous and resulted in multiple deaths.

Super Grover: FAKE NEWS!

Elmo: It was a dangerous attack on democracy as we know it, Grover.

Super Grover: THE REAL ATTACK ON DEMOCRACY WASN'T JANUARY 6, 2021! IT WAS JANUARY 20, 2021!

[Editor's note: ]

Super Grover: We have some breaking news now, let's head to Telly Monster, what have you got for us?

Telly Monster: THEY HIT THE PENTAGON SUPER GROVER!

Super Grover: Thanks for that Telly Monster, not sure that news was important enough, personally. Now the weather, with Count von Count.

Count von Count: Thank you, Super Grover! It is currently one hundred degrees, ah ah ah! Two hundred degrees, ah ah ah! Three hundred degrees, ah ah ah! ...four hundred degrees, ah ah ah...... FIVE HUNDRED DEGREES?! Maybe climate change is real after all. Back to you, Super Grover.

Super Grover: [sighs] Count von Count has fallen for the LIBERAL MEDIA yet again! That's the latest, I'm Super Grover from Elmo News.

[Elmo News sting]

[Test card]



Elmo 3V announcer: Uh, let's see if we can rejoin New Squidward Chat now.

[There are several ambulances at the scene, a cop has one of the guns SpongeBob and Patrick had earlier on]

Cop: Is this gun loaded? [shoots it at the camera, it goes to static]

[Test card]



Elmo 3V announcer: Oh dear, it looks like there are still some minor problems over there, apologies for that. Uh, we're going to go to another alternative programme now.

Elmo 3V staff member: What other programme? We've already cut to the news, what else can we do?

Elmo 3V announcer: I don't know just-

Elmo 3V staff member: This is ridiculous.

Elmo 3V announcer: I know, just put something on to keep the audience happy.

Elmo 3V staff member: They're going to be distracted by whatever happened on set anyway.

Elmo 3V announcer: I know, I know, I know. Do we- do we have any emergency tapes or whatever to put on?

Elmo 3V staff member: [with mouth full of bread] Yeah, there's several emergency tapes over here.

Elmo 3V announcer: Great, just put one of them on.

Elmo 3V staff member: Uhh, I've got the subtitle poop of A Muppet Family Christmas.

Elmo 3V announcer: No, I don't think we'd be allowed to put that on at this time. Just find something more appropriate.

Elmo 3V staff member: OK I got something.

Elmo 3V announcer: Great, just play that and hope we get away with it. Is this...? [taps his microphone and the sound cuts out]

[The theme song for Kamp Koral plays]

Backup singers: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: I'm off to summer camp!

Backup singers: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Through nature I will tramp!

Backup singers: SpongeBob! Will have you screaming!

SpongeBob: [screams] While milk is streaming right out of your nose! [screams again]

Backup singers: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: When nature's calling, you'll see me hauling, I'm hitting the trail!

[Whistling to the tune of the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song is heard as the picture zooms into the "Kamp Koral" sign.]

[The title card for "In Search of Camp Noodist" plays]

[The episode begins at Kamp Koral, where all the campers are bored while Perch Perkins announces that there are no activities for the day.]

Perch Perkins: There are no activities scheduled for today, Koral Kampers. I repeat, there's nothing to do, and I'm bored.

Sandy: Eh... I wish the adults had planned some activities for today.

Patrick: Yeah! No activities means no something.

Sandy: I'm more bored than a steer in a fashion show.

SpongeBob: Ah... Well, I could watch you two be bored for hours.

Squidward: You know, you kids just don't get it. This is great. I get to spend all day with my three favorite campers. Me, myself, and I. [laughs]

Narlene: [speaking from a tree stump] Psst. [Sandy and Patrick scream] Y'all looking for something to do?

Patrick: Yes, magic stump. Please, anything. [Narlene jumps out from the stump causing SpongeBob to scream]

Narlene: [laughs] It's just Narlene, y'all. And have I got a doozy of an adventure for you. Have y'all ever seen a nudist camp?

Elmo 3V announcer: [interrupting] OK, I am pleased to say we can now rejoin New Squidward Chat.

[New Squidward Chat theme plays]

[Squidward and Boris Johnson both have blood all over them]

Squidward: Welcome back, sorry we had a minor incident in the studio but we are all OK. [a paramedic walks in front of the camera]

Boris Johnson: Well, Squidward, I am, uh, sorry to say that this show has overrun.

Squidward: No it hasn't, we've still got-

Boris Johnson: This show has overrun and I have, uh, a thing I need to go to with President Zelenskyy of Ukraine.

Squidward: OK just quickly-

Boris Johnson: [talking over him] It's a very important visit.

Squidward: OK I've got that, just one other thing if I may- [Boris Johnson walks off aimlessly] MR.- MR. JOHNSON! MR. JOHNSON!

[the camera follows Boris Johnson as he's leaving, he walks to a pub]

[cuts back to Squidward on his set]

Squidward: Well, uh, I guess that's it for this episode of New Squidward Chat. We'll be back in 2023, with some more normal episodes. Until then, goodbye.

[the New Squidward Chat theme plays as Squidward shuffles his papers, a gun is shot at a picture on the wall]

Squidward: SPONGEBOB!

SpongeBob: I was just testing it.

Trivia

 * It is not clear what SpongeBob and Patrick were actually arguing about.