Rishi Sunak on New Squidward Chat

"Rishi Sunak on New Squidward Chat" is the third episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * Peter Griffin
 * Glenn Quagmire
 * Incidental
 * Rishi Sunak
 * New Squidward Chat cameraman
 * 'Til Death
 * (mentioned)
 * (indirectly mentioned)
 * (indirectly mentioned)
 * Elmo 3V Announcer
 * Johnny
 * Mark
 * Lisa (mentioned)
 * Steven
 * (mentioned)
 * Peter from 
 * Claudette
 * Denny
 * Stewie Griffin (mentioned)

Transcript
All facts were accurate at the time of writing

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Now, before we introduce today's guest, I have a special announcement to make. For the first time, we managed to book a professional band to perform before the show. Please welcome, Griffin and Quagmire!

[Peter Griffin and Glenn Quagmire enter and the crew cheers]

Griffin and Quagmire: I don't want a giant penis

Or a rocket ship to Venus

I don't want to win the lottery

I just want to squat and gobble

'Til I'm dizzy and I wobble

In a butter, fruit and dough tart dream

So I put butter on a Pop Tart

It was so freakin' good

Have you ever put butter on a Pop Tart?

If you haven't then I think you should

Squidward: Thank you, Griffin and Quagmire.

Peter: When do we next get to sing?

Squidward: ..that's it.

Peter: What?!

Squidward: You were only booked to sing at the start of the show, I have an interview with Rishi Sunak to do.

Peter: Well that's not important!

Squidward: He's the prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Peter: And I'm the president of Petoria!

Squidward: [pause] Good point. [an incidental says something in his ear] OK, you can sing at the end of the show as well!

Peter: [mocking him] "oh you can sing at the end of the show as well"

Squidward: Joining me now is today's Prime Minister Rishi Sunak.

Rishi Sunak: Hi Squidward!

Squidward: Hi Rishi. Before we get into the more serious questions, somebody noticed that on your Stanford alumnus page you have the "history of Coca-Cola" listed as one of your interests. What's that about?

Rishi Sunak: Well Squidward, so one of these things not many people know about me, I collect Coca-Cola things.

Squidward: Oh really?

Rishi Sunak: Yeah, yeah, I'm a coke addict! A total coke addict! Coca-Cola addict! Just for the record.

Peter: hehehehehehehe

Squidward: PETER!

Peter: Sorry.

Rishi Sunak: I'm a Coca-Cola addict! I have seven fillings to show for it. I genuinely do have seven fillings, because I got through a lot of the stuff when I was young, which is very bad, so people should not. Don't, don't, don't, do that. But I now have one a we- I am only allowed one a week now. But I am a- I am an enormous Coca-Cola fan. Yes, I won't drink, no Diet Coke, no Coke Zero, never any Pepsi. Uhm, and actually my favourite drink, is not actually Coke. It's called Mexican Coke.

Peter: hehehehehehehe

Squidward: Knock it off.

Rishi Sunak: Because you get it- it's a special Coke. Uh, which is, the only place in the world where Coke is made with cane sugar rather than high fructose corn syrup. for the people who are really interested in this kind of thing.

[an alarm goes off]

Squidward: Uh oh, looks like it's time for a New Squidward Chat Fact Check! [New Squidward Chat theme plays] According to the Mirror, "while it's true that Coca-Cola is flavoured with corn syrup in the United States, it's a myth that Mexican Coke is the only variety flavoured with cane sugar. In fact, the Coca-Cola company lists the drink as being flavoured with sugar in a number of countries, including Australia, New Zealand and...the United Kingdom."

[Rishi Sunak stares without saying anything]

Squidward: In an interview from the 2000s, you said this. [pause, the camera moves down and zooms in on a cameraman's phone playing a previous interview done with Rishi Sunak]

Rishi Sunak: I have friends who are aristocrats, I have friends who are upper class, I have friends who are- you know working class, but, well not working class. [the cameraman pauses the video and moves the camera back up but moves it too far and it ends up looking at the ceiling]

Cameraman: Fuck. [the camera goes back to normal]

Squidward: Uh, apologies for the language there. Why did you say you had no working class friends?

Rishi Sunak: Well, we all say silly things when we're students. But I have talked about my background, my family were wealthy- [he stops, a horse suddenly walks onto the set]

[long pause]

Squidward: Peter, the horse is here.

Peter: Oh yeah.

[the horse bangs its head against the wall of the set twice, making a big hole before falling over, another long pause]

Squidward: OK we're going to take a quick break to get the horse off of the set, don't go anywhere we'll be right back.

[New Squidward Chat theme plays, Rishi Sunak drinks a can of Mexican Coke]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqrEcgmqlu4

[New Squidward Chat theme plays]

Squidward: Welcome back, Rishi is still here, the hole in the set is still there, the horse got shot. [Peter cries like Snoopy] Now Rishi, you said you had a wealthy background, how do you think the British public can relate to you during this cost of living crisis?

Rishi Sunak: Well, this government is helping make everyone's bills cheaper.

Squidward: You've scaled back some of your support for businesses.

Rishi Sunak: It was costing us too much.

Peter: [singing] 'Cause I have thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt.

When they call, I tell them I can't pay it back yet.

Quagmire: Credit card debt.

Peter: Tomorrow, I may buy myself a dining room set

Or this Boba Fett!

Griffin and Quagmire: Credit card debt, credit card debt,

Credit card debt!

Rishi Sunak: See, these two get it.

Squidward: They're not supposed to be singing yet. What are you doing about the rail strikes? Some people aren't able to get to work.

Rishi Sunak: Well, this week's Transport Secretary is in talk with trade unions to help get the trains running again.

Griffin and Quagmire: [singing] TRAIN ON THE WATER, BOAT ON A TRACK!

TRAIN ON THE WATER, BOAT ON A TRACK!

Squidward: [yelling] Hey! Hey!

Peter: My lady took a train across the Atlantic

I hope it don't sink like the Titanic

Squidward: Listen, this is great, can you leave it until the end of the show please?! We're in the middle of an interview here.

Rishi Sunak: I think this government is doing all it can to support everyone. [drops his wallet] Oops, sorry. [it causes an earthquake, the background of the set falls over]

Squidward: MY SET!

Rishi Sunak: Oh dear, hopefully you have the money to fix that. [puts his wallet back in his pocket]

Squidward: One last thing, Labour said they want to abolish non-dom tax status, your wife had non-dom tax status-

Rishi Sunak: I don't think it matters what my wife did-

Griffin and Quagmire: [singing] This waitress is prettier than my wife

Squidward: OH COME ON! [gets up]

Griffin and Quagmire: I could kill my family with a knife [Squidward walks up to them]

We'll sail around the world by ship-

[Squidward tips Peter upside down, slams him into the floor and kicks him]

Quagmire: WHAT THE HELL?! [Squidward walks off but Peter and Quagmire both chase after him, the camera goes to Rishi Sunak who is drinking Mexican Coke again while watching the events unfold]

[Test card]

Elmo 3V Announcer: Apologies for the interruption to New Squidward Chat, here's the latest Elmo News headlines, with Johnny.

[Elmo News sting]

Johnny: I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit, I did not hit her. [throws water bottle] I did naht. [looks at camera] Oh hi, Viewer. These are the headlines, from Elmo News, it's January 15th 2023! A woman was mauled to death by multiple doggies in Surrey. Our reporter Mark joins us at the scene. It seems to me that you're the expert, Mark! What can you tell us?

Mark: Well, a 28-year-old was walking multiple dogs at 2.45pm on Thursday afternoon when she was mauled to death. Despite best efforts by paramedics, the victim was declared dead at the scene. A second woman got dog bites that were so bad she ended up at a hospital but has since left.

Johnny: Hahahaha! What a story, Mark!

Mark: Yeah you can say that again.

Johnny: I'm so happy I have you as my best reporter and I love Lisa so much… Politics now, the UK has condemned Iran's execution of a British-Iranian as 'Callous and Cowardly'. Our political reporter Steven joins us now. Oh hi, Steven, what's new?

Steven: I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off. The UK's foreign secretary, James Cleverly, has said Iran's prosecutor general has been sanctioned and Iran's ambassador has been summoned. Iran however has summoned the UK ambassador to Tehran.

Johnny: If a lot of people love each other, the worl'd would be a better place to live.

Steven: Thanks, Johnny.

Johnny: In Ukraine, at least 29 people were killed in a Russian attack on Denipro. 73 people were injured and 43 are missing. Peter joins me now from Ukraine. Oh hi, Peter.

Peter from The Room (2003): No, I'm not actually in Ukraine.

Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken, Peter, you're just a little chicken! Cheep! Cheep-cheep-cheep cheep!

Peter from The Room (2003): Who are you calling a chicken?

Johnny: Time for the weather! Oh hi, Claudette!

Claudette: Well, I'd love to give you the weather forecast, Johnny. But there's nothing on the autocue and the weather map's not working. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I'm dying!

Johnny: You're not dying, Claudette.

Claudette: I got the results of the test back, I definitely have breast cancer!

Johnny: Look, don't worry about it. Everything will be fine. Later today on Elmo News, Denny and I have our movie review. Denny joins me now. Oh hi, Denny!

Denny: What movie are we going to see?

Johnny: Well we'll seeeeeee. [talking to someone off-screen] Thank you, honey. This has been a beautiful news bulletin. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!

[Elmo News sting]

[New Squidward Chat theme plays]

[Squidward is covered in bruises]

Squidward: Welcome back, apologies for the interruption. Rishi Sunak is still here.

Rishi Sunak: Thank you very much indeed for having me.

Squidward: One last thing, if I may.

Rishi Sunak: Thank you so much. Bye bye.

Squidward: Just one last thing. Is the NHS in crisis?

Rishi Sunak: Uh… I don't know.

Squidward: But- but-

Rishi Sunak: I've got to go to my next interview.

Squidward: OK-

Rishi Sunak: Thank you very much, Squidward. [Rishi gets up and leaves]

Squidward: OK thank you Rishi… Well that's it for today's New Squidward Chat. Next time we're joined by… Who do we have for the next show? [checks scripts] Uh… I don't know. Anyway, as promised earlier, ending the show, it's Griffin and Quagmire!

[the crew cheers as Peter and Quagmire return, both covered in bruises]

Peter: I can't poop in strange places

Quagmire: Strange places

Peter: I can only poop in my home

It's as though I'm watched by strange faces

Quagmire: Strange faces

Peter It's why I never roam

Peter: I've left Stewie alone with strangers

Quagmire: Strangers...

Peter: To satisfy my fecal needs...

Griffin and Quagmire: I've put my whole family in danger

To poop before my anus bleeds

Home bowl, home bowl

You know just what I need

Home bowl, home bowl

Poop before my anus bleeds