Uncle Grandpa on New Squidward Chat

"Uncle Grandpa on New Squidward Chat" is the fourth episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Tennisballs
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * Uncle Grandpa
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Belly Bag
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Pizza Steve
 * Giant Realistic Flying Tiger
 * Mr. Gus (mentioned)
 * Donald Trump (mentioned)
 * Joe Biden (mentioned)
 * Turkey
 * Elmo 3V Announcer
 * Charlie (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tennisballs.

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tennisballs. Wait, it's Tentacles!

Producer: [off-screen] Sorry.

Squidward: Today, on "New Squidward Chat", we're joined by Uncle Grandpa!

[Uncle Grandpa theme song plays, his RV is heard crashing into Squidward's house]

Uncle Grandpa: Yeowch! [he lands into the set which, still damaged from the last episode, falls apart instantly]

[cut to SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: Oh no, not again!

Squidward: Welcome to the show, Uncle Grandpa!

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning!

Squidward: It's the afternoon but sure. What do you do for a living, Uncle Grandpa?

Uncle Grandpa: I'm your Uncle Grandpa!

Squidward: I've never met you before-

Belly Bag: He's not just your Uncle Grandpa! [Uncle Grandpa's head levitates from his body and appears on top of the planet Earth, along with the heads of some other... creatures] He's everyone in the world's Uncle Grandpa! And when he comes to visit, [The Earth eats all of them] it's sure to be a time you'll never forget! [the Earth spits out Uncle Grandpa's head]

Uncle Grandpa: I like trains! So what's going down? [Squidward looks traumatized] Uh, sir... [the camera zooms in on Squidward, who is staring blankly]

[SpongeBob walks onto the set]

Uncle Grandpa: Is he OK?

SpongeBob: I don't know. [Squidward is still staring blankly] Sandy!

[Sandy runs onto the set]

Sandy: What's going on?

SpongeBob: Something's wrong with Squidward! [Squidward is still unresponsive]

Sandy: Hmm... [connects Squidward's head to something] Let's see what he's thinking of.

[In Squidward's mind: he is experiencing a war flashback with Uncle Grandpa in it]

Uncle Grandpa: SQUIDWARD! OUR BASE IS UNDER ATTACK! WHY AREN'T YOU SHOOTING ANYONE?!

Squidward: I can't!

Uncle Grandpa: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT THE TALIBAN, SQUIDWARD?!

Squidward: Of course I do!

Uncle Grandpa: THEN WHY AREN'T YOU SHOOTING?!

Squidward: BECAUSE THE GUN ISN'T LOADED!

Uncle Grandpa: Oh. We still have time, hold on. [takes the gun and loads it] Here you go.

Squidward: Thanks, UG!

Uncle Grandpa: Now hurry! [Uncle Grandpa walks off and starts using his belly as a gun against soldiers. Squidward aims his gun and fires]

[Squidward wakes up]

Squidward: [confused] Hmph? [looks up and sees Sandy]

Sandy: Uhh... [Sandy disconnects her invention and disappears]

Squidward: What happened?

Uncle Grandpa: Check out what I can do with my belly! [he lifts up his shirt, grabs his belly and bounces it on the floor like a basketball. SpongeBob is laughing.]

Squidward: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

SpongeBob: Oh. We, uh, lost you for a bit. Hehe. [runs off, Uncle Grandpa sits back down]

Squidward: Now then, do you, uh, have any friends?

Uncle Grandpa: Yes! There's Pizza Steve!

[Pizza Steve enters the set]

Pizza Steve: Ayy, Uncle G!

Uncle Grandpa: You're the coolest Pizza Steve!

Pizza Steve: I know!

Squidward: Where did he come from-

Uncle Grandpa: There's Belly Bag who you've already met!

Belly Bag: Morning Uncle Grandpa!

Uncle Grandpa: There's Giant Realistic Flying Tiger!

[Giant Realistic Flying Tiger flies into the set]

Squidward: HOLY SHRIMP!

Uncle Grandpa: And there's Mr. Gus!

[pause]

Squidward: Where's Mr. Gus?

Uncle Grandpa: Oh, he couldn't make it to the show today. He's not feeling very well.

Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry.

Uncle Grandpa: It's OK, he's big and strong. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Squidward: You used to have your own show didn't you?

Uncle Grandpa: Why, yes.

Squidward: It got canceled, didn't it?

Uncle Grandpa: ...yes. Those people just have bad taste...

Squidward: Did you at least win any awards?

Uncle Grandpa: Yes, actually. In the 224th Grampies, Uncle Grandpa won Best Animated Show for Tweens, Best Feel Good Fantasy-Adventure Series with a Furry Yellow Companion, Best Steven Universe Episode, Best Cartoon in the History of the World... It won all the awards at the Grampies, actually.

Squidward: That's interesting. I don't remember your show being liked by cartoon YouTubers.

Uncle Grandpa: Don't even mention those people... They're wrong! Uncle Grandpa is a great show!

Squidward: OK, OK, OK... Well, we have some questions here that were submitted by our viewers. [reads his script] Opinion on LGBTQ+ rights?

Uncle Grandpa: H

[applause from the crew]

Squidward: Another question from our viewers. Trump or Biden?

Uncle Grandpa: Trump.

Squidward: ...are you sure?

Uncle Grandpa: Yes! Trump Made America Great Again! And that communist Joseph R. Biden is ruining everything!

Squidward: Well that's not really fair, I don't think we have any Biden supporters here.

Uncle Grandpa: That's because there aren't any! He rigged the election!

Squidward: Belly Bag, do you support Biden?

Belly Bag: Uh, I don't really like politics.

Squidward: Alright. Pizza Steve never left the set for some reason, what are your thoughts?

Pizza Steve: Personally, I think the United States of America should become a Dictatorship!

Squidward: ...OK.

Uncle Grandpa: See Squidward, there are no Biden supporters.

Squidward: I wasn't expecting this to get so political.

Uncle Grandpa: The election was stolen. [the US national anthem starts playing in the background] And as a conservative Republican, I believe we should vote for the one true President and Alpha Male Donald J. Trump in 2024! He will solve the US national debt by using the money in the change jar! And he will make more jobs in this great country! USA! USA! I'm so patriotic!

[the camera cuts to SpongeBob who was playing the US national anthem on his phone, he stops playing it]

Squidward: Alright... Well, moving on.

Pizza Steve: Hey, I have a story to tell.

Squidward: But this is an interview with Uncle Grandpa-

Uncle Grandpa: Come on, Pizza Steve!

Pizza Steve: OK so, there was this dragon attacking this orphanage.

Uncle Grandpa: Ooh. [Squidward puts his head on his table]

Pizza Steve: Then I came in and killed the dragon. By the time I slayed the dragon and saved the orphans, I had built up quite the appetite. So I did what any amazing person would do, and I cooked a delicious seven course Christmas Eve dinner for me and all 500 orphans. It was unbelievable.

Uncle Grandpa: Wow, you should cook some food for us!

Pizza Steve: ...I should?

Uncle Grandpa: Yeah!

Pizza Steve: OK. [he leaves the set]

Squidward: Wait, that's my kitchen-

Belly Bag: Hey Uncle Grandpa, you should show Squidward your rap skills!

Squidward: That's not necessary-

[rap music plays]

Squidward: This isn't happening.

Uncle Grandpa: Yo, yo, yo

I'm a rappin' grandpa

Rappy, rap, rap and a slappity doodah

Dance break!

[starts dancing, there's smoke on the set]

Squidward: [sniffs] Something's burning.

Uncle Grandpa: It must be my fire lyrics.

Squidward: No, something's on fire.

[the camera goes to Squidward's oven which is on fire]

Squidward: WHAT THE?!

Pizza Steve: I don't know what I did wrong. [a live Turkey runs out of the house]

Squidward: WERE YOU TRYING TO COOK A LIVE TURKEY?!

Pizza Steve: I DON'T KNOW, I LIED EARLIER, I AM NOT THAT GOOD AT COOKING! [the fire gets even worse, Uncle Grandpa's phone rings]

Uncle Grandpa: Hello?

Squidward: [trying, and struggling to put the fire out] SOMEBODY HELP ME OVER HERE!

Uncle Grandpa: [on the phone] OH NO! MR. GUS IS DEAD! [starts crying] GIANT REALISTIC FLYING TIGER! [Giant Realistic Flying Tiger appears] TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL! [they fly away]

Squidward: WAIT BUT YOUR RV IS STILL PARKED OUTSIDE-

Pizza Steve: He's gone.

Squidward: HOW CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE?! [a light falls over] OH MY GOD! [the walls of Squidward's house completely collapse]

[Test card]

Elmo 3V Announcer: We'll go back to New Squidward Chat after they sort out the issues there. Until then, here's a brief alternative programme.

[Friends theme plays]

[the door to Ross's apartment opens on its own]

Ross: Ah! I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! [kisses nobody] Hey, JoEEEEEEEy! And, uh, oh! You're going to have to introduce me to your new girlfriend! Huh? [laughs] I'm just kidding, I know Rachel! I know! Come, please come in! [the camera zooms in on his face] Come in! [a wine bottle flies into his hand] Oh! That is so thoughtful! [the camera zooms in on his face again] She's a keeper! And what did you bring me? Underwear! A toothbrush! And a Van Halen CD! I can use all these things! [talking to nobody] What? Fine? Because I am! Huh? Aren't you? Aren't youuuu? Who? Who else is fine?! [raises his hand, camera zooms in on his face] I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas! [starts dancing]

[transition to next scene: Ross is drinking Margaritas]

Ross: Oh, guys this is fun isn't it? You know? Just the four of us, just HANGIN'! [laughs] I'm fine! [zooms in on his face] OK! I'm great! I'm just, I'm just, proud, of us! You know! There's no weirdness, no tension!

[cut to empty chair]

Rachel: No awareness.....

Ross: You know, we make a great foursome! We should do more stuff together, yeah, HUHHHHH, LET'S TAKE A TRIP! OK, where do you think we- we can go? [oven timer] MY FAJITAS! [walks off]

[Ross leaves the kitchen, he's not wearing oven mitts]

Ross: FAJITAS! BE CAREFUL! VERY HOT PLATE! VERY HOT! [the camera zooms in on his hands, he laughs] That is gonna hurt TOMORROW!

[transition to blank screen]

Phoebe: OK well this is crazy...

[end of Friends]

Elmo 3V Announcer: Let's cut back to New Squidward Chat now.

[Squidward is at his desk, the set has completely burnt down, Squidward puts his head in his hands]

Elmo 3V Announcer: Well, I guess that's it for this episode... Hopefully Squidward will be OK to do the next episode.

[New Squidward Chat theme plays, the episode ends with Squidward crying]