Everyone's on New Squidward Chat

"Everyone's on New Squidward Chat" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * New Squidward Chat cameraman
 * The Great Mighty Poo
 * Squidward's toilet
 * Monroe
 * (mentioned)
 * Super Mario (mentioned)
 * Stupid Mario (mentioned)
 * Sparro
 * (mentioned)
 * Donald Trump (mentioned)
 * Joe Biden (mentioned)
 * Jesse Pinkman
 * mistah white (mentioned)
 * Cat Valentine
 * (mentioned)
 * Chris-Chan
 * Sylvia
 * Maybe some day
 * JewWario
 * Rishi Sunak
 * Telly Monster
 * Telly Monster
 * Telly Monster
 * Telly Monster

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Today, we're- [he notices there's nobody on the couch] we're joined by uh- [goes to check notes, accidentally drops them all on the floor] oh God- [picks all the notes up]

Producer: Uh oh.

Squidward: Wh- what do you mean "uh oh"?

Cameraman: Did we do it again?

Squidward: What are you guys talking about?

Producer: OK so you weren't here for much of it, but two weeks ago we forgot to book a guest on the show...

Squidward: WHAT?!

Producer: Yeah... Well we can just do what we did last time and go off-air until we find a gues-

Squidward: NO! NO! NO! NO! We don't need to go off-air.

Producer: But we have no guests-

Squidward: Look.... Whateveryournameis, where are we?

Producer: Uh... Your house? Also my name is John-

Squidward: Exactly, Jack!

Producer: It's John actually-

Squidward: Watch this.

[Squidward gets up and goes outside, with the camera following him]

Squidward: Hey guys! Does anyone want to be interviewed?!

[everyone outside just ignores him]

Squidward: Anyone? Don't you guys watch New Squidward Chat? [silence]

[suddenly the ground shakes and everyone outside runs off. A massive creature who looks like fecal matter appears out of the ground.]

Squidward: [long pause] Hey, do you want to be interviewed?

[the two enter the set again]

Squidward: Alright. [the creature sits down on the couch] Oh... Well anyway, [realizes that he doesn't know the creature's name] why don't you introduce yourself?

[music starts playing]

Squidward: Where is that music coming from-

The Great Mighty Poo: I am the Great Mighty Poo!

and I'm going to throw my shit at you!

Squidward: That seems rather unnecessary. [the Great Mighty Poo fulfills his promise and throws his fecal matter at Squidward] WHAT THE?!

[the Great Mighty Poo starts throwing poo all over the set]

Squidward: STOP!

The Great Mighty Poo: Do you really think you'll survive in here?

You don't seem to know which creek you're in

Sweet corn is the only thing

that makes it through my rear.

How d'you think I keep this lovely grin?

[cuts to the Great Mighty Poo being flushed down Squidward's toilet]

The Great Mighty Poo: Ah! You cursed Squid! Look what you've done. I'm flushing! I'm flushing!

[back to the set. Squidward isn't covered in poo but the set still is]

Producer: Squidward, I think we need to take a break to clean the set up.

Squidward: No! I just need another plan.

[Squidward goes back outside. He spots someone.]

Squidward: Hey kid. [he is speaking to Incidental 103, I'm calling him "Monroe" in this episode because that's the funniest of his names] Do you like TV?

Monroe: Yes.

[Monroe is suddenly in front of the New Squidward Chat camera]

Squidward: OK, you're going to entertain our viewers. Don't say anything offensive.

Monroe: Why is everything covered in-

Squidward: Don't worry about that, we're gonna clean it all up. Just- I don't know- tell some jokes or something.

Monroe: Oh- O- OK. Uhh... Why is the Queens Road called the Queens Road? [silence] Because the Queen pooped on it.

[RIP QUEEN ELIZABETH II]

Monroe: Why are people so smelly?

Cameraman: Why?

Monroe: No, you have to tell me why.

Cameraman: Wh- well I don't know.

Monroe: OK, we'll try another joke. What would Disney Channel be without Disney?

Cameraman: I- I don't know.

Monroe: Just a channel... Here's another one. Why was 7 scared of 8?

Cameraman: I thought it was-

Monroe: Because 9 10 11.

Cameraman: ...I don't get it.

Monroe: What is Super Marios nickname?

Cameraman: I don't know.

Monroe: It is Stupid Mario.

[someone in the background drops something]

Monroe: Thank you!

Cameraman: How long is it going to take to clean the set?

Squidward: Not much longer.

Cameraman: Please hurry.

Monroe: Don't worry, I have loads more jokes left to tell.

Cameraman: I am very worried.

Monroe: Why was 6 afraid of 7? [silence] Babies.

Cameraman: Oh no.

Monroe: What did the cat say to the dog?

Cameraman: I DON'T KNOW!

[silence]

Monroe: I don't know either. Why did the crab go to prison?

[silence]

Monroe: Crimes.

Squidward: OK we're done.

Cameraman: THANK GOD!

Producer: Wait but who's going to be the guest?

Squidward: Hmm... Monroe, do you want to be interviewed?

Monroe: Are you kidding? You can't just demote me like that.

Squidward: Oh- OK. Well I guess I'll just have to go find someone else.

[Squidward goes back outside]

Squidward: Hey, does anyone want to be interviewed on New Squidward Chat?

[a bird walks up to him]

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Perfect.

[the two are on the set]

Squidward: Welcome to the show.

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Yeah, I know, it's really exciting to be on the show. What do you do for a living?

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Yeah, you've said that already. Where do you work?

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: ...how old are you?

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Hmm... What are your thoughts on the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank?

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Do you think Alex Murdaugh actually did it?

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Do you support gay marriage?

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Trump or Biden?

[long pause]

Sparro: Like whoa.

Squidward: Thank you for coming on the show today.

Sparro: Like whoa. [leaves]

Squidward: Well that was one of the worst interviews I've ever done. I need to keep looking for guests.

[montage]

Squidward: Welcome to the show.

Jesse Pinkman: yo mistah white i just poopfellowed my pants fr

Squidward: Have you killed anybody?

Cat Valentine: [covered in blood] No...

Squidward: Is Ted Bundy innocent?

Chris-Chan: [being interviewed via Zoom] HE'S INNOCENT! HE DID NOTHING WRONG AND HE'S HALF SONICHU!

Squidward: Thoughts on children?

Sylvia: Boing.

Squidward: Who are you?

Maybe some day: Ask again later.

Squidward: What do you have to say in response to the sexual assault allegations?

JewWario: [says nothing]

Squidward: Oh right, he's dead.

[silence]

[Rishi Sunak and Tommy Wiseau start having gay sex]

Squidward: Joining me now is the former culture secretary, Nadine Dorries. Welcome to the show, Nadine!

Nadine Dorries: Hi SpongeBob!

[end of montage]

Squidward: Is there nobody we can get to do a full interview? [a bright light appears in the set] Did- did I die?

[Jesus Christ enters the set]

Squidward: OH MY GOD IT'S JESUS CHRIST!

Jesus Christ: I'll be interviewed on your show, Squidward...

Squidward: Oh wow. This is gonna be our big interview, I have so much to ask you. [shuffles through papers] OK, first-

Producer: We're out of time.

Squidward: What? ...well, at least we didn't get interrupted by anythi-

[Elmo News Breaking News slide]

Squidward: Dammit.

Telly Monster: BREAKING NEWS! RUSSIA JUST INVADED UKRAINE!