Mr. Krabs on New Squidward Chat

"Mr. Krabs on New Squidward Chat" is the second episode of... New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * Eugene H. Krabs
 * Sheldon J. Plankton
 * New Squidward Chat director
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * (indirectly mentioned)
 * Police officers
 * Elmo News cameraman
 * Elmo News presenter
 * Incidentals
 * Incidentals

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

[The New Squidward Chat set is empty. After a few seconds, Squidward slowly walks to his seat and starts the show]

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Today, on New Squidward Chat, we're joined by. [sighs] My boss at my part-time job at the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs isn't in his seat either] He should be here any minute.

Plankton: [off-screen] GOOD GRIEF HE'S NAKED!

Squidward: What?

[Mr. Krabs walks on set, completely naked]

Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, money!

Squidward: Please don't sit on the nice couch. [Mr. Krabs sits on the couch] Oh. Great.

Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, money!

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, why?!

Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, not many people are eating at the Krusty Krab nowadays. So, I had to make some cost-cutting measures. I sold all my clothes and am now a nudist.

Squidward: What- you didn't think to tell me all of this before I booked you on the show?

Mr. Krabs: What's the big deal? [spreads his legs] It's so much more comfortable this way.

Squidward: [blinks] I can't do the show like this, you're gonna need to put some clothes on.

Mr. Krabs: Never! [laughs and runs off with Squidward following him]

Director: [off-screen] Uh.. We're still on-air.

SpongeBob: [off-screen] Oh boy, this is our moment!

[SpongeBob walks on set with Patrick in a cannon]

SpongeBob: The amazing Patrick is going to land right on that target. [camera goes to a target on the wall] Are you ready?!

Patrick: I'm ready!

SpongeBob: 3! 2! 1! Go! [launches Patrick from the cannon] Squidward refused to let us do this stunt at the start of the show because he was afraid we would mess it up. Pfft. What a load of- [glass can be heard shattering, SpongeBob's eyes widen]

[Test card for a few minutes]

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward: Welcome back. Apologies for the interruption. Mr. Krabs is now wearing clothes.

[Mr. Krabs is wearing one of Squidward's shirts]

Mr. Krabs: I, uh. Hehe, I'm not sure this shirt fits me, Mr. Squidward. Maybe I should- [about to take it off]

Squidward: Don't!

Mr. Krabs: OK I'm sorry.

Squidward: Now, you mentioned earlier that not many people are eating at the Krusty Krab anymore. Why do you think that is?

Mr. Krabs: Because you sleep on the job! [silence] Ha. Just kidding. I don't think Krabby Patties are that popular anymore and with inflation so bad I had to increase the prices of everything on the menu by 10x.

Squidward: Well inflation isn't actually that high. What are you planning on doing if Krabby Patties aren't doing well anymore?

Mr. Krabs: Have you ever heard of Crypto?

Squidward: I don't know much about it, but I have heard of it.

Mr. Krabs: I launched my own cryptocurrency trading firm called KTX! With this platform people can trade their Dogecoins, Shiba Inus and their Coinyes!

Squidward: Is it doing well?

Mr. Krabs: It is not! But I'm sure we can recover soon. You should invest in crypto, Mr. Squidward! You seem like a Bitcoin kind of guy.

Squidward: No thanks, it doesn't seem very safe.

Mr. Krabs: It's the future, Mr. Squidward! I can get you a free Reddit NFT!

Squidward: Is cryptocurrency regulated?

Mr. Krabs: Nope.

Squidward: Is it even legal?

Mr. Krabs: Nothing is illegal if you don't get caught, Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: OK... Well, what convinced you to get into Crypto?

Mr. Krabs: Money!

Squidward: [pause] Interesting. Uhh, just before this show started you abruptly listed your house as for sale. What's- what's the deal with that?

Mr. Krabs: Well Mr. Squidward, sometimes you just need a change of scenery. I have a daughter you see, eventually after living there for a while you get bored.

Squidward: Huh OK. There is- [a loud knock can be heard at the door] OK so- [a louder knock can be heard at the door] There's just- [an even louder knock can be heard at the door] One more thing I-

[people can be heard breaking into the property]

Man: [off-screen] Police! [Squidward and Mr. Krabs both put their hands up, an officer handcuffs Mr. Krabs and the feed cuts off]

[cuts to Cookie Monster walking around Mr. Krabs' house]

Cookie Monster: We interrupt New Squidward Chat to bring you this Elmo Newsflash. Mr. Krabs' house has been raided by the police to investigate alleged fraud over the collapse of his cryptocurrency KTX. Police say that during this raid they found $4 billion dollars hidden in his mattress.

Police officer: Make sure not to touch any evidence-

[Cookie Monster spots a plate of cookies on the kitchen table]

Cookie Monster: COOKIE! [eats the entire plate of cookies] OM NOM NOM NOM! [all the cops are staring at him] OK, me thinks we're done here. Let's see if we can catch Mr. Krabs being arrested.

[Cookie Monster starts running from the scene to Squidward's house where Mr. Krabs is being arrested, eventually Cookie Monster walks off-screen]

Cookie Monster: [belches] Oh God, me shouldn't have run after eating cookie. [Cookie Monster can be heard throwing up]

[The cameraman makes it to Squidward's house on his own. Mr. Krabs is being taken to a police vehicle]

Cameraman: [yelling for no reason] Mr. Krabs! What do you have to say to everyone who used KTX about this?!

Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab, home of the original Krabby Patty! Please, I'm begging you.

[Mr. Krabs is put in the back of the police vehicle which then drives off]

Elmo News presenter: OK thank you whoever took over the report near the end. Cookie Monster seems to be having a bit of trouble, hopefully he's OK. Uh, let's just give a quick rundown of everything that has happened. The founder of the cryptocurrency exchange service KTX, that is Mr. Krabs, has been arrested over alleged fraud. KTX has been having some financial problems for awhile now that lead to Mr. Krabs selling all of his clothes and listing his home as for sale earlier today. Despite this, police say they found $4 billion dollars hidden in his mattress during the raid. Mr. Krabs was giving an interview to Squidward Tentacles on the New Squidward Chat show while he was arrested.

[cuts to black screen]

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

[Squidward is on his own]

Squidward: Why did you cut back to me? The show's over, the one guest we had booked for today got arrested. Am I supposed to interview myself or something?

Plankton: Uh, I'd like to be interviewed.

Squidward: Who said that?

Plankton: Down here.

Squidward: [looks down] Oh, it's Plankton! Uh, can someone get a microphone on Plankton quickly?

[2 incidentals walk over, one puts a microphone on Plankton and another gets a little camera out to film Plankton]

Squidward: So Plankton, what would you like to discuss?

Plankton: Well, Squidward. [wipes a tear from his eyes] I just wanted to say... That cryptocurrency is a huge scam!

Squidward: How do you know this?

Plankton: Because Krabs tried to sell it to me! He was telling me all this about how Web3 is the future and that I should start buying NFTs. But when I used his KTX service to start trading, I realized I had been fooled. Shortly afterwards I got hacked and... [wipes another tear from his eye] All my apes were gone! [breaks down crying, an incidental gets him some tissues] Thank you.

Squidward: How much did you lose from cryptocurrency?

Plankton: $750,000. I am in so much debt. I don't know how I'll ever financially recover. And it's all Mr. Krabs' fault...

Squidward: OK, thanks for coming on at such short notice.

Plankton: [yelling] And eat at the Chum Bucket!

Squidward: What?

Plankton: Head to my GoFundMe and help me sue Mr. Krabs! I only need 3 billion dollars!

Squidward: I don't think it costs that much to sue someone.

Plankton: And don't forget to follow me on Twitter!

Squidward: I think we'll end the interview there.

Plankton: Visit my country The Republic of Planktonia.

Squidward: That's it for this episode of New Squidward Chat.

Plankton: If you link your Amazon Prime account to your Twitch account you can subscribe to me for free!

Squidward: Next time we're interviewing today's UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak.

Plankton: I don't even stream on Twitch.

Squidward: Until then, goodbye!

[the New Squidward Chat theme plays as Squidward shuffles his papers]