Gumball Watterson on New Squidward Chat

"Gumball Watterson on New Squidward Chat" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * Chris-R (mentioned)
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Karen Plankton
 * Gumball Watterson
 * Protestors
 * Darwin Watterson
 * Super Grover
 * (mentioned)
 * Dr. Baby Mario (mentioned)
 * Glenn Quagmire (implied)
 * (implied)
 * Telly Monster
 * Margaret Thatcher
 * Denny
 * Johnny
 * Lisa
 * (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * (mentioned)

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! After the last episode, Chris-R resigned as Shadow Justice Secretary in Darwin Watterson's cabinet following controversial comments Darwin made on the show. Today, using the latest technology, we're going to be joined by his brother Gumball Watterson, the Deputy Prime Minister of SpongeBotland, virtually!

[SpongeBob and Sandy wheel mobile Karen on the set]

Squidward: ...you didn't think to set this up before the show?

SpongeBob: Oh come on, Squidward. it's 2023, we've got AI chat bots and cryptocurrencies, a video call isn't gonna take that long to set up.

Sandy: Uh oh.

SpongeBob: What?

Sandy: Karen hasn't got any charge, we're gonna need to plug her in.

Squidward: See, this is why we should be getting this stuff prepared before the show starts!

SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward, this isn't going to take that long! [Sandy is struggling to plug Karen into the slot]

Sandy: This plug doesn't fit, we're gonna need to unplug something that we're not using.

Squidward: Wh- we're trying to run a TV show here.

SpongeBob: Now, now, I'm sure Sandy can find something to unplug that we don't currently need.

Sandy: This one might be fine.

[Test card]

Sandy: Nope, that's the camera. [the camera turns back on] What about this one? [the sound is mute and a loud BLEEP can be heard. After a while the sound comes back.] Nope, that was the sound card... Oh, here's a slot that was free the entire time. [Karen turns on] Alright, now let's try calling Gumball.

[Sandy opens up Discord]

Squidward: Is Discord really the best platform we could use?

SpongeBob: It's used by hundreds of millions daily, it must be a stable platform.

Sandy: Oh, it's down.

SpongeBob: What?

Sandy: Let's try Skype.

[10 minutes later, Squidward has fallen asleep]

Sandy: OK, let's try FaceTime. [opens up FaceTime and accidentally doxxes Gumball's phone number in the process] Oops. Let's try Zoom. [calls Gumball on Zoom, he answers] IT WORKED!

Squidward: [snores] Hmph? [wakes up and quickly sits up properly] Oh hi Gumball! Welcome to the show, so last week we had-

Gumball: [in terrible audio quality] G̶̫͋͗ȏ̸̮̗͊́ó̶̻̯̫́d̵͔͌͘͝ ̸̼͂̎͠ë̷͈̼́v̵͈͘ë̴̼ṉ̷͇̣̓͘i̶̳͍̽n̷̫̽̂g̴͍̹̼̓.̶̙̌

Squidward: Yeah, hi. Last week on the show we had-

Gumball: H̵̰̗̅ì̶̳͍͂͜.̷͓͓̔

Squidward: Yeah, there's a bit of a delay because we're doing this over Zoom. Anyway, last week on the show, your brother Darwin accused the government of making the country less safe. Do you think that's the case?

[Gumball stays still on the screen]

Squidward: I think we've lost-

Gumball: N̸̫̚o̷͍̐,̶̐͜ ̴͔͝I̴̟͝ ̵͕͗d̵̡͒ó̴̠ṋ̶̚'̴̦̀t̷͈̓ ̶̙̇ä̵̢ḡ̴̳r̸͕̆e̶̞͊ė̵͇.̶̩̕ ̴͓̇Ä̷͚́ ̶̯͗g̴̲̋o̸̥͛v̷͉̂e̴̹̒r̷̛͚n̷͇͑m̸̜̒e̴͕͝ṋ̶̛t̵͈̎ ̴̫́l̵͉̆ë̶ͅď̵͎ ̷̺̒b̴̞̄y̶̮͠ ̵̩̓D̶̗̉a̸͇͊r̷̡̾ẁ̶ͅi̴̺̋n̴̲̍ ̷͓̎w̴̱̿o̶͎̚u̸̡̕ḻ̴͗d̷͙̈́-̸͕͝

[pause]

Squidward: No, please continue. Sorry, the line is really bad. Actually, hold on, what are you doing that's important

[pause]

Gumball: I̷t̵'̶s̴ ̶a̶ ̵s̶e̷c̶u̸r̵i̷t̵y̴ ̷c̵o̷n̴f̷e̴r̶e̴n̷c̶e̵ ̶t̸h̷i̸n̴g̸y̶.̸ ̶I̷'̸m̷ ̴t̸h̶e̸ ̶d̷e̸f̵e̴n̴c̷e̵ ̴s̷e̸c̵r̷e̸t̶a̷r̶y̸ ̶a̸s̸ ̷w̴e̷l̶l̶ ̷a̷s̵ ̸d̶e̸p̴u̸t̷y̶ ̵P̵M̶.̴ ̶S̴o̶ ̷w̷e̷'̸r̶e̸ ̸d̸i̶s̶c̷u̷s̴s̶i̵n̴g̶ ̷t̴h̸e̵ ̵W̸a̷r̷ ̶i̴n̶ ̶U̸k̶r̵a̴i̴n̷e̵ ̴a̴n̸d̴ ̵t̷h̷e̵-̶ ̶ [phone rings]

Sandy: Oh yeah, we doxxed your phone number by accident when we were trying to call you.

Gumball: O̷h̴,̶ ̴t̴h̷a̷t̴'̸s̶ ̴g̴r̸e̸a̶t̴.̷ ̶I̶t̶'̸s̶ ̷t̵h̵e̴ ̴C̷a̵c̵t̵u̵s̴t̴a̸n̵ ̸G̸o̴v̸e̶r̶n̶m̸e̴n̴t̸ ̴o̷n̷ ̵t̷h̵e̶ ̵l̶i̶n̴e̶.̷

Sandy: Sorry...

Gumball: R̸i̶g̶h̸t̴,̴ ̷s̶o̵ ̴a̷n̶y̶w̶a̷y̴.̵ ̵W̷e̸'̶r̶e̷ ̶d̸i̵s̵c̵u̶s̴s̷i̷n̶g̶ ̶s̷e̴c̶u̵r̴i̵t̸y̵ ̸a̴r̶r̴a̴n̷g̶e̵m̷e̴n̴t̶s̸ ̵s̴u̸c̶h̷ ̸a̵s̸-̴ [freezes]

Squidward: OK. We've lost Gumball there uh-

Gumball: Y̴o̴u̸ ̶k̶n̶o̴w̴ ̴w̴h̷a̴t̵,̸ ̴U̶k̵r̸a̸i̸n̴e̷ ̵i̸s̶n̴'̸t̶ ̶i̴m̸p̶o̴r̵t̷a̶n̶t̷.̴ ̷I̵'̵m̵ ̵g̵o̷n̷n̴a̸ ̶c̵o̷m̴e̸ ̸t̴o̵ ̴t̵h̸e̷ ̶s̶e̵t̷.̶

Squidward: What- no no- [the call ends] Oh my God. [Sandy and SpongeBob remove Karen from the set] OK, I guess we'll wait for Gumball to arrive in the studio. [he hears noise from outside his house] Is he here already?

[Squidward gets up and the camera follows him as he walks outside]

Squidward: What the?!

[there's a massive protest going on outside]

Squidward: What's going on here?

Protestor: We're protesting because you had Darwin on your show last week! The SBNP is a fascist party.

Squidward: What- Darwin leads the opposition party in SpongeBotland, he can appear on my show-

Protestor: You didn't have any representative of the party in Government on the show.

Squidward: Gumball is on today's episode, he'll be here in a few minutes.

Protestor: He appeared virtually, you set his appearance up for failure.

Squidward: He was on Government business and I don't think Darwin's appearance was exactly a success.

Protestor: Darwin hasn't appeared on any shows since his appearance on your show.

Squidward: Yeah well...

[Darwin and Super Grover are still tied up in an unknown location]

[A helicopter can be heard, it lands and Gumball walks off of it. Gumball walks into the house and Squidward closes the door.]

Squidward: Welcome to the show, Gumball. You just arrived to the set in a private jet, how is that helping with your country's climate change commitments?

Gumball: Well the short answer is: it's not. But it makes me look cool, that's why I do it.

Squidward: Huh... Right, anyway. [a police siren can be heard in the background] I was trying to ask you earlier last week on the show, your brother Darwin accused the government of making the country less safe. Do you think that's the case?

Gumball: No, I don't. A government led by Darwin would- [a gunshot can be heard in the background]

Squidward: ...well, that was a bit extreme. Do go on.

Gumball: A government led by Darwin would give up our freedom.

[Darwin and Super Grover can hear this from the unknown location, which turns out to be Squidward's attic]

Gumball: I stand for freedom. Sometimes life just isn't safe.

[this comment angers Darwin to the point he manages to untie himself and Super Grover]

Gumball: And don't even get me started on the views of Andrew Mogus, he's- [Darwin somehow lands into the set, Super Grover can be seen flying out of the house, making a hole in the wall]

Darwin: Are you gonna do anything about the ambulance wait times?!

Squidward: How the hell are you still alive?

Gumball: The health secretary Dr. Baby Mario is working on it!

Darwin: He's been in government for like 4 weeks, isn't that long enough?

Gumball: ...not really.

Squidward: OK hold on, Darwin, we interviewed you last week. It's Gumball's turn now-

Darwin: And why do you ignore Andrew Mogus? He's an elected politician just like we both are.

Gumball: He's an extremist. And so are you, if you were to win the next election you're going to censor everything you deem unsafe.

Darwin: It's for our own good!

Squidward: Hang on a minute.

Darwin: Why aren't you stopping the boats?

Gumball: Your home secretary's an islamophobic sexual predator.

Darwin: Why is your education secretary a smoker?!

Gumball: Didn't your justice secretary resign because of his violent drug dealer past?!

Darwin: Why are you allowing THE WOKE SIMPSONS on TV?!

Gumball: I DIDN'T DO THAT!

[the two start talking gibberish over each other]

Squidward: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! [they do so] Thank you! Now then-

Protestor: Hey everybody! There's a hole in this wall.

Squidward: Uh oh. [the protestors break in and storm the set, breaking all of the portraits Squidward has in the background] What's wrong? I've been interviewing Gumball, like you asked.

Protestor: You set this up! Why did Darwin get an episode of his own when Gumball has had to take part in a debate with Darwin?

Squidward: I didn't plan that, he just turned up here. [the police enter the property] Oh thank goodness, the police are here to keep the peace. [the police start firing aimlessly at the protestors] WHAT THE F-

[Test card]

[Elmo Breaking News slide plays. Super Grover flies into the set.]

Super Grover: Hello. This is Elmo News, I'm Super Grover. Sorry I've been missing this week, I was kept hostage by the woke mob. Everything is fine, Super Grover Tonight will be back tomorrow. Anyway, some breaking news, the New Squidward Chat has been stormed by pro-government protestors accusing the show of being biased in favor of the opposition party led by Darwin Watterson. I personally enjoyed the last edition of New Squidward Chat, I agree with a lot of what Darwin says. Our political correspondent Elmo is live at the scene.

[Elmo is outside of Squidward's house]

Elmo: Elmo isn't sure about this. It looks like the police are responsible for turning the peaceful protest violent.

Super Grover: Those protestors were endangering people's lives by storming the set.

Elmo: ...Grover you stormed the Capitol.

Super Grover: THAT WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! I WAS STANDING UP FOR DEMOCRACY! THIS PROTEST IS TRYING TO CENSOR THE BEST POLITICIAN SPONGEBOTLAND HAS, DARWIN WATTERSON!

Elmo: Isn't Darwin pro-censorship?

Super Grover: ELMO YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO SOUND LIKE A LIBERAL TODAY! Maybe you should join the protest as well.

Elmo: ...you know what, I'll do it.

Super Grover: Thank you Elmo.

[Elmo walks off]

Super Grover: We're gonna need a new, preferably unbiased, political correspondent. Uh, some more breaking news, let's head to Telly Monster.

Telly Monster: MARGARET THATCHER IS DEAD!

Super Grover: NOOOOO! THE WOKE MOB KILLED MAGGIE! OK, hopefully the next news story is gonna be some good news. [he smiles. His smile slowly disappears as he reads what the next story is.] Nope. More woke garbage. [sighs] Let's cross to our correspondent, Denny.

[Denny is outside]

Denny: Thanks Super Grover. I am at a gender-neutral bathroom! [the camera zooms out, Denny is standing in front of Margaret Thatcher's grave] These are public bathrooms that are not separated by gender identity. They are known to benefit not only people whose gender identity doesn't match their sex assigned at birth, but also- [Denny is interrupted by Johnny and Lisa]

Lisa: Denny, don't you have somewhere else to be?

Denny: ...I just like to watch you guys.

Johnny: Denny, two's great, but SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD.

[cuts back to Super Grover in the studio]

Super Grover: We're gonna have to leave that item, I'm not even sorry. We can now return to New Squidward Chat.

[back to the New Squidward Chat set]

Squidward: Welcome back. Apologies for the interruption earlier. Gumball is still here. I don't think I actually got to ask you anything so- [Gumball's phone starts ringing]

Gumball: It's probably another prank caller.

Squidward: Oh yeah, we leaked your phone number earlier. That was something we did.

[Gumball answers]

Gumball: Hello. Oh, it's the foreign secretary, what's up?

Scooby-Doo: RHEY RHIT RHE RNIFEL ROWER!

[Gumball reacts similar to how Bush reacted when he found out about 9/11]

Squidward: Oh, uh, I guess you'll- [Gumball runs off so quick that it isn't seen on camera] Oh, he's gone. Well, that's it for this week's New Squidward Chat. Wait a minute, whatever happened to Darwin?

[the next day]

Super Grover: You're watching Super Grover Tonight on Elmo News! We have an exclusive interview with Darwin coming up.

[clip from interview plays]

Super Grover: What inspired you to come on the show?

Darwin: THEY MADE THE SIMPSONS WOKE!

[back to the studio]

Super Grover: But first, Margaret Thatcher's dead! Long live Liz Truss. Sad day, BUT, WE STILL HAVE LIZ TRUSS! Here's a compilation of some of Margaret Thatcher's best moments.

[clips of Margaret Thatcher's funeral plays with "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" in the background as the episode ends]