Darwin Watterson on New Squidward Chat

"Darwin Watterson on New Squidward Chat" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * Uncle Grandpa
 * Giant Realistic Flying Tiger
 * Sheep
 * Mr. Gus
 * Belly Bag
 * Pizza Steve
 * Darwin Watterson
 * (mentioned)
 * Gumball Watterson (mentioned)
 * Chris-R (mentioned)
 * Denny (mentioned)
 * New Squidward Chat crew member
 * Dr Bowser
 * Super Grover
 * Old Man Walker
 * Nigel Brown
 * Nigel Brown

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

[Squidward is stood up looking at a picture of SpongeBob using a computer on the wall]

Squidward: This isn't even a picture of me...

Producer: [off-screen] We're live.

Squidward: OH! [runs to his seat, he falls off of his chair and a loud censor bleep can be heard. He gets back up.] Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! [his head starts to bleed] Today-

Producer: Uh, Squidward...

Squidward: What? [touches his head and notices the blood] Oh... That's fine, we can keep going.

Producer: No, I think we have to stop to make sure you're OK.

Squidward: Wh- we haven't even started yet. No, don't cut to something else-



Uncle Grandpa: Good morning! Good morning. Good morning. [GRFT roars] Good morning. Good morning!



[Uncle Grandpa is dreaming about chasing a sheep]

Uncle Grandpa: Come here you. Gotcha!

Sheep: Bah. [bites his nose]

Uncle Grandpa: Yeowch! [wakes up] Yeowch! I love that dream. [Uncle Grandpa theme plays] Good morning!

Sheep: Bah!

Uncle Grandpa: [takes off his nose] Here you go, honey! [the sheep eats the nose, Uncle Grandpa goes to get a new one] Looking good, Grandpa! [he leaves and the Uncle Grandpa in the mirror puts on loads of noses at once]

[Uncle Grandpa is in Giant Realistic Flying Tiger's room]

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Giant Realistic Flying TIger! [GRFT roars] I'm sorry, Giant Realistic Flying TIger! [GRFT roars again and throws a pillow at the door] I love you, Giant Realistic Flying TIger!

[in Mr. Gus's room]

[Editor's note: Mr. Gus is dead in the New Squidward Chat universe, this Uncle Grandpa episode was written before this]

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Mr. Gus!

Mr. Gus: Morning!

Uncle Grandpa: As my super strong bodyguard dinosaur man sworn to protect me, would you kindly shoot me? [can't stress enough, he is in a cannon]

Mr. Gus: OK!

Uncle Grandpa: Thanks! [Mr. Gus fires] Yay! Good morning, Belly Bag!

Belly Bag: Morning Uncle Grandpa!

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Pizza Steve!

Pizza Steve: Hey Uncle G!

Uncle Grandpa: You're the coolest Pizza Steve...

[back to New Squidward Chat, Squidward now has bandages around his head]

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Today, we're joined by the leader of the opposition in Super SpongeBot678 3D Land, Darwin Watterson. Darwin you recently reshuffled your shadow cabinet, if you were to win the next election, what would your government do?

Darwin: Well, I feel under the government of SpongeBot678 and my brother Gumball Watterson, the country has become less safe. So the priority of my government would be to make everything safer for everyone! In fact, I have a few complaints about this show.

Squidward: Huh- what's wrong with my show?

Darwin: You fell on your chair earlier and hit your head, that's very dangerous. And you said a swear word, but luckily the crew bleeped it...

Squidward: ...didn't your justice secretary say to someone "where's my [BLEEP]ing money"

Darwin: Language! I think Chris-R is a great shadow justice secretary and he would be a great justice secretary! I think what he did to Denny all those years ago is exactly what our police should be doing now! Maybe without the swearing though.

Squidward: But... he threatened someone with a gun over drug money-

Darwin: You know this set doesn't look very safe. [gets up and the camera follows him as he speaks to the crew members. Speaking to SpongeBob who is holding the microphone] Hey, what would happen if that microphone fell.

SpongeBob: I don't know. Probably fall into the set background, causing everything to break. I think it's happened befor-

Darwin: What's going on over here?! [picks up a pack of cigarettes]

Crew member: Gimme my smokes! [lights cig]

Darwin: Smoking's bad for you.

Crew member: No it's not.

[Shadow Health Secretary Dr Bowser suddenly breaks into the set]

Dr Bowser: Grr, that smoke'll make you choke.

Crew member: It doesn't make me- [swallows cigarette and his face turns green]

Dr Bowser: Grr, smoking's bad for your health ‘'and'' it stains your teeth. Don't be a fool, smoking isn't cool.

[Squidward is still at his desk, confused]

Squidward: How badly did I hit my head earlier?

Darwin: I think a few changes should be made around here to make this show safer for everyone!

Squidward: But it's my show-

Darwin: Before we start, we need to go to a break.

Squidward: No no no- not again!



Uncle Grandpa: Good morning! Good morning. Good morning. [GRFT roars] Good morning. Good morning!



[Uncle Grandpa is dreaming about chasing a sheep]

Uncle Grandpa: Come here you. Gotcha!

Sheep: Bah. [bites his nose]

Uncle Grandpa: Yeowch! [wakes up] Yeowch! I love that dream. [Uncle Grandpa theme plays] Good morning!

Sheep: Bah!

Uncle Grandpa: [takes off his nose] Here you go, honey! [the sheep eats the nose, Uncle Grandpa goes to get a new one] Looking good, Grandpa! [he leaves and the Uncle Grandpa in the mirror puts on loads of noses at once]

[Uncle Grandpa is in Giant Realistic Flying Tiger's room]

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Giant Realistic Flying TIger! [GRFT roars] I'm sorry, Giant Realistic Flying TIger! [GRFT roars again and throws a pillow at the door] I love you, Giant Realistic Flying TIger!

[in Mr. Gus's room]

[Editor's note: Mr. Gus is dead in the New Squidward Chat universe, this Uncle Grandpa episode was written before this]

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Mr. Gus!

Mr. Gus: Morning!

Uncle Grandpa: As my super strong bodyguard dinosaur man sworn to protect me, would you kindly shoot me? [can't stress enough, he is in a cannon]

Mr. Gus: OK!

Uncle Grandpa: Thanks! [Mr. Gus fires] Yay! Good morning, Belly Bag!

Belly Bag: Morning Uncle Grandpa!

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Pizza Steve!

Pizza Steve: Hey Uncle G!

Uncle Grandpa: You're the coolest Pizza Steve...

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents...



Announcer: "New Darwin Chat"! With your host: Darwin Watterson.

[Darwin is at the desk and Squidward is on the couch, the background is filled with portraits of Darwin]

Squidward: Why is it called "New Darwin Chat"? Shouldn't it be just "Darwin Chat"?

Darwin: No criticizing the regime!

Squidward: But this is a TV show... Wait a minute, this is my show, I don't need to listen to you.

Darwin: No, I think the show is safer presented by me. The same way Super SpongeBot678 3D Land would be safer under my leadership.

Squidward: But your party lost the last election, only getting-

Darwin: The election was stolen Squidward!

Squidward: ...what? No it wasn't, SpongeBotland has one of the fairest electoral systems possible.

Darwin: It was technically rigged in favor of Mario Party 3.

Super Grover: TRUTH! [suddenly flies into the set, hits a Darwin portrait on the wall which then falls to the floor along with Super Grover]

Darwin: Super Grover, that wasn't very safe. Flying is an unsafe act, you should've carefully walked into the set instead.

Super Grover: ...wow, I can't tell what political side you're on.

Darwin: The SpongeBot National Party, which is not affiliated with SpongeBot678 despite the name, is going to Make SpongeBotland safe again! Sleepy SpongeBot678's leadership is ruining our great country!

[Former Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg suddenly appears]

Nick Clegg: There are extremists on both sides.

Darwin: Today a safe New Darwin Chat, tomorrow a safe Super Darwin 3D Land. Those who stray from the path will be corrected!

Super Grover: Hmm, I have mixed feelings about this.

Darwin: You can take over this show under my leadership.

Super Grover: VOTE FOR THE SBNP! THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN! DARWIN2024!

Squidward: ...OK, I have had enough of this. Wait.

[there's no staff working]

Squidward: Where is everyone? How is the show even on-air currently?

Darwin: Oh, the work environment was too unsafe so I sent everyone home. Everything is automated now.

Squidward: ...what, how can we even afford that?

[the Shadow Chancellor Old Man Walker slowly walks onto the set]

Old Man Walker: The money is coming out of my pension, Octopusward.

Squidward: My name's Squidward...

Darwin: I think having everything on the show automated is a great idea! [a remote camera walks in front of Darwin] That's just a minor problem.

Squidward: I agree, the automation is better. Because it makes it easier for me to do this! [gets up and kicks Darwin out of his seat. Darwin ends up back on the couch and Squidward is back behind the desk] Ah, that's better.

Principal Brown: [gently] Stop! You're under arrest for treason!

Squidward: What? [Darwin gets up and walks towards one of the cameras] Where are you going?



Squidward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning! Good morning. Good morning. [GRFT roars] Good morning. Good morning!



[Uncle Grandpa is dreaming about chasing a sheep]

Uncle Grandpa: Come here you. Gotcha!

Sheep: Bah. [bites his nose]

Uncle Grandpa: Yeowch! [wakes up] Yeowch! I love that dream. [Uncle Grandpa theme plays] Good morning!

Sheep: Bah!

Uncle Grandpa: [takes off his nose] Here you go, honey! [the sheep eats the nose, Uncle Grandpa goes to get a new one] Looking good, Grandpa! [he leaves and the Uncle Grandpa in the mirror puts on loads of noses at once]

[Uncle Grandpa is in Giant Realistic Flying Tiger's room]

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Giant Realistic Flying TIger! [GRFT roars] I'm sorry, Giant Realistic Flying TIger! [GRFT roars again and throws a pillow at the door] I love you, Giant Realistic Flying TIger!

[in Mr. Gus's room]

[Editor's note: Mr. Gus is dead in the New Squidward Chat universe, this Uncle Grandpa episode was written before this]

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Mr. Gus!

Mr. Gus: Morning!

Uncle Grandpa: As my super strong bodyguard dinosaur man sworn to protect me, would you kindly shoot me? [can't stress enough, he is in a cannon]

Mr. Gus: OK!

Uncle Grandpa: Thanks! [Mr. Gus fires] Yay! Good morning, Belly Bag!

Belly Bag: Morning Uncle Grandpa!

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning, Pizza Steve!

Pizza Steve: Hey Uncle G!

Uncle Grandpa: You're the coolest Pizza Steve...

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

[the set is somehow back to how it was when the episode started]

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Darwin and Super Grover have been removed from the show.

[Darwin and Super Grover are tied up in an unknown location]

Squidward: We're joined now by the former Deputy Prime Minister of the UK and current president for global affairs at Meta Platforms, Nick Clegg! Thanks for joining us today, I have so much to ask you about, internet safety, Donald Trump was recently unbanned from Facebook and Instagram and not to mention what's going on currently in UK politics. But let's start off with-

Producer: Out of time.

Squidward: ...wha-

[the episode ends abruptly]

Response from Chris-R
On February 22, 2022, Chris-R resigned as Shadow Justice Secretary. His resignation is thought to be in response to comments made by Darwin Watterson in the New Squidward Chat episode as his statement simply reads "you're fucking dead, Darwin!"