Ross Geller on New Squidward Chat

"Ross Geller on New Squidward Chat" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * Rishi Sunak (flashback)
 * Uncle Grandpa (flashback)
 * Jacob Rees-Mogg (flashback)
 * Nellie the Elephant (flashback, mentioned)
 * (mentioned)
 * Stinky Pants Squidward
 * Two unnamed women
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Carol Willick (mentioned)
 * Ben Geller (mentioned)
 * Emma Geller-Greene (mentioned, Friends fans can't decide if it's Green or Greene)
 * Diezel Raccoon
 * (mentioned)
 * Matt Hancock
 * Boris Johnson
 * Chandler Bing
 * Matt Hancock
 * Boris Johnson
 * Chandler Bing
 * Boris Johnson
 * Chandler Bing
 * Chandler Bing
 * Chandler Bing
 * Chandler Bing
 * Chandler Bing
 * Chandler Bing
 * Chandler Bing

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! We’ve had a few interesting guests during this series...

[flashbacks]

Rishi Sunak: I'm a coke addict! A total coke addict! Coca-Cola addict!

Uncle Grandpa: Yo, yo, yo

I'm a rappin' grandpa

Rappy, rap, rap and a slappity doodah

Jacob Rees-Mogg: Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus. Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump!

[back to Squidward]

Squidward: I thought, this time around we can have someone more serious to make for a more interesting and sophisticated discussion. So, today, we’re joined by the chief executive of the London Stock Exchange Group David Schwimmer!

[Ross Geller from the hit TV show Friends enters to a sitcom applause]

Squidward: Oh... It’s not that David Schwimmer.

[Ross stands in front of the portrait on a wall]

Ross: Get a load of Stinky Pants Squidward! [laughs, sitcom laugh track plays. He sits down.]

Squidward: You seem to be in a good mood today-

Ross: I JUST BAMBOOZLED CHANDLER!

Squidward: [confused] You, what?

Ross: ...it’s not a sexual thing. It’s a game where you spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond!

Squidward: [confused] What?

Ross: It’s a great game, in fact I played it with my ex-wife.

Squidward: Really?

Ross: Yeah, she lost. She’s going to be a terrible mother.

Squidward: Oh...

Ross: But yeah. I, uh, played it with Chandler over the phone because he’s in Yemen. Uh...

Squidward: What is he doing in Yemen?

Ross: Well. He, uh, was transferred to Yemen by his company until he found an energy source- to replace fuel. But I was speaking to him on the phone and he told me that he thinks he’s done just that and should be coming home soon.

Squidward: ...he’s found an energy source to replace fuel?

Ross: Yeah. It’s good for the climate too, so I’ve heard.

Squidward: Can you give us any more details?

Ross: No.

Squidward: Oh.

[silence]

Ross: Do you- do you hear a buzzing? [looks around the room]

Squidward: Ross, are you OK? You seem to be...

Ross: [squeaky voice] I’m fine!

Squidward: Are you?

Ross: Absolutely. [squeaky voice] I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, [deep voice] I'm fine.

Squidward: Alright. Do you beat women?

Ross: [nervously laughs] What?

[producer plays a clip from Friends: Ross appears crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attack on two women]

Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?

Ross: DANGER!!!

Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women?!

Phoebe: We should help him!

Rachel: I... Well, I don’t think they need any help.

[Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then realizes that the women he attacked are closing in so he screams and runs away.]

[clip ends]

[I can’t stress enough, that was an actual scene in Friends]

Squidward: What do you have to say about that?

Ross: I tried attacking two women, did not work.

Squidward: What?

Ross: No, I mean it’s OK, I thought they were- they were my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to Rachel.

Squidward: So you attacked your ex-wife?

Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tried! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m still here. [gets closer to Squidward] Maybe we could attack them together?

[Squidward looks shocked]

Ross: That-that’s a no.

Squidward: Right, so anyway.

[Ross falls off of the couch somehow]

Ross: [looking at Squidward] Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?

Squidward: Yeah, I’m fine... Anywa- [the doorbell rings] Who’s that at the door? [Squidward walks up to the door, he opens it.] Oh, hey Rach- [Rachel enters without even acknowledging Squidward] -el.

Ross: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah, hi. I need to talk to you about something. [she sits down on the couch next to Ross. Squidward looks confused and mouths something to a producer]

Ross: Sure, go on.

[brief pause]

Rachel: I’m pregnant. [Ross freezes and starts to stare into space] Ross? [Ross is still frozen] Ross?

Squidward: Alright, we’re going to take a brief break. We’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.

[New Squidward Chat theme plays, but the show remains on-air]

Producer: And we’re out.

Squidward: This is a disaster. [takes off his microphone, the sound goes out. He starts saying something to Rachel. Rachel responds by kicking Squidward in the groin and walking off without saying a word.]

[Squidward, in pain, slowly goes up to Ross and touches him, he doesn’t respond. He says something to someone and a paramedic shows up to check if Ross is OK. The paramedic appears to determine that there’s no medical issue and walks off, despite Ross still being frozen.]

[SpongeBob then walks up to Squidward, visibly distressed about something. The two appear to have a brief conversation before SpongeBob walks off.]

[Squidward sits down behind his desk and begins to put his microphone back on.]

Producer: What’s the plan if the press finds out about that?

Squidward; They won’t find out about it.

Producer: What if they did?

Squidward: It happened like, 8 weeks ago. They would have mentioned it by now, if they knew about it.

Producer: 30 seconds.

[Squidward has his microphone back on]

Squidward: All good?

[New Squidward Chat theme plays]

Squidward: Hello, welcome back. Ross is still... Still frozen. Can I get you some water?

Ross: I’m good. I’m good. I’m just—I don’t know—I don’t understand, umm, how this happened?

Squidward: Don’t you already have children?

Ross: What?

Squidward: I did some research before the show started. You had a son with your first wife, Carol, called Ben. As well as a daughter with your third wife, Rachel, called Emma. In fact I think you mentioned Emma indirectly earlier on.

Ross: What?!

Squidward: I don’t think you saw Ben after you had Emma and you didn’t seem to care too much about seeing your daughter when Rachel was going to move to Paris.

Ross: What?! You’d think I’d remember all the children I have.

Squidward: You’d think you would.

Ross: Hey. Hey, where’s that sandwich I gave to the producer earlier?

Squidward: [laughs] A sandwich?

Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I asked your show’s producer to put my sandwich in the fridge over there...

Producer: [laughs] Oh, you know what? I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.

Ross: You ate my sandwich?

Producer: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: [getting upset] Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?

Producer: No.

Ross: [getting angry] It was MY sandwich!

Producer: Now-now calm down. Come look in the kitchen, some of it may still be in the trash.

Ross: [jumping to his feet in anger] What?

Producer: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

Ross: You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away! MY SANDWICH?!!! [camera breaks because of the yelling]

[cut to outside shot of Squidward’s house]

Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! [the windows of Squidward’s house breaks]

[abruptly cuts to an Elmo News show, presented by Diezel Raccoon]

Diezel Raccoon: Now, the latest pandemic WhatsApp messages have been leaked to The Telegraph by the journalist Isabel Oakeshott, who previously worked with Matt Hancock on his Pandemic Diaries. Here is the full exchange of messages and a warning that it contains sexual content.

[WhatsApp exchange]

Matt Hancock: Cracking result today. What a bunch of absolute arses the teaching unions are!

Sir Gavin Williamson: I know they really really do just hate work

Matt Hancock: 😂😂🎯

Matt Hancock: Harry I’d just like to take this opportunity to quickly thank you for giving us medical advice on how to deal with the pandemic

Harold Shipman: No problem man

Boris Johnson: I am going quietly crackers

Matt Hancock: Don’t go crackers Prime Minister

Boris Johnson: I think I might be one of those homosexuals

Matt Hancock: 😲

Matt Hancock: Same

Matt Hancock: Why do you think I wear that NHS rainbow badge all the time?

Boris Johnson: Ohhh 😂

Sir Gavin Williamson: Guys I don’t think Cronus is doing so well

Matt Hancock: *Hans my Cock to BoJo*

Boris Johnson: augh im so full

Sir Gavin Williamson: Err...

Sir Gavin Williamson has left

Boris Johnson: *turns into hot furry ken stringfellow with abs*

David Cameron: Hey guys

Boris Johnson: Dave we’re in the middle of something here

David Cameron: Mind if my friend and I join?

Boris Johnson: Who’s your friend?

David Cameron: 🐷

Boris Johnson has removed David Cameron

Matt Hancock: Nice

Matt Hancock: *strokes BoJo’s hair*

Boris Johnson: ...

Boris Johnson: FLOOD!

Matt Hancock: *transforms into an ostrich*

Boris Johnson: AN OSTRICH?!

Matt Hancock: You don’t like it?

Boris Johnson: A FUCKING OSTRICH?!

Matt Hancock: Shit

Matt Hancock: How do I recover this?

Matt Hancock: Oh I know!

Matt Hancock has added Andrew Tate

Andrew Tate: *cums in and does the epic child po*n dance*

Boris Johnson: Sorry Matt, it’s just not working anymore

Matt Hancock: ☹️

Dominic Raab: Yeah I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place man. I’m making some good money.

Matt Hancock: Look BoJo

Matt Hancock: You need to tell Carrie how you feel

Boris Johnson: You’re right Matt

Matt Hancock: *kisses BoJo*

Boris Johnson: *kisses Matt*

Boris Johnson: It’s a good thing we got Brexit done so we didn’t need to be subject to the EU’s restrictions on gay sex

Theresa May: 😴

[End of WhatsApp exchange]

[back to Diezel Raccoon, who looks shocked]

Diezel Raccoon: Well we also have Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock and even Theresa May’s response to the leak.

Boris Johnson: OMFG 😲

Matt Hancock: Crikey

Theresa May: Any1 else find this arrpusingly funny???

[back to New Squidward Chat]

Squidward: Hello, welcome back! Ross is still here, are you feeling better now?

Ross: Oh yeah, yeah, that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.

Squidward: That’s good, now we can finish the interview.

Ross: I’m ready for that I- What? [he notices something through the window] No! Wh... What are you doing?!! [Squidward hides under his desk] GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ross runs to the door of the house]

Squidward: Oh no.

Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! [he opens the door, Chandler and Monica are standing there] Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! [security shows up] I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get in here! [the two enter, Ross chases Chandler around the house] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!? I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!

Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.

Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way.

[pause]

Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. [He hugs them both.]

[after the hug ends Chandler dances like in this jif]

Squidward: Aww. OK before we end this New Squidward Chat episode, I really need to ask Chandler about his trip to Yemen.

[Ross and Monica walk off. Squidward sits at his desk and Chandler sits down.]

Squidward: Thanks for coming on this show at such short notice.

Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?

[Squidward looks shocked. The episode ends there abruptly]