Squidward's toilet on New Squidward Chat

"Squidward's toilet on New Squidward Chat" is the fifth episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles (mentioned)
 * Squidward's toilet
 * Janitor
 * Zoltan (mentioned)
 * Hoopla (mentioned)
 * Hoopla's girlfriend (mentioned)
 * Donald Trump (mentioned)
 * Joe Biden (mentioned)
 * Bernie Sanders (mentioned)
 * Muscle Man
 * Peter (mentioned)
 * Granite
 * Super Grover
 * Granite
 * Super Grover
 * Super Grover

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"!

[SpongeBob is at the desk instead of Squidward]

SpongeBob: Greetings. Squidward is off this week, he attacked nine days after he was released from prison wrongly assessed as "medium risk" by probation staff... I think I am reading the wrong script, apologies. Uh, anyway, while we were building the entirety of Squidward's house after the last episode. We found one thing that survived the damage. Please welcome, Squidward's toilet!

[the crew cheers as Squidward's toilet enters the set]

SpongeBob: Thank you for taking time out of your day, Squidward's toilet. I'm sure you have a lot of things you'd rather be doing.

Squidward's toilet: Call me James now. James is a cool name.

SpongeBob: Oh- OK.

James: I feel like us toilets don't have rights. People just see us as objects to poop and pee in. We have feelings too.

SpongeBob: OK I apologise... James. What do you do for a living?

James: Well, when I'm not working, I like to do some 3D animation. I made you this as a gift when I found out I was going to be on the show. [shows an animation he made of a poo dick coming out of a toilet]

SpongeBob: Huh. [gets the tablet James is showing the animation on, he accidentally drops it. James looks sad] Oops.

James: I spent an hour on that poo dick...

SpongeBob: That's rather sad.

James: Did you like it?

SpongeBob: Well, it was a feces penis.

James: Yay. Can you get it put on the wall instead of those ugly non-moving pictures?

SpongeBob: No, I'm not sure Squidward will appreciate that. He worked hard on those paintings.

James: And I spent an hour on that poo dick, I deserve some recognition.

SpongeBob: Good point, I'll bring it up with the producers after the show. Is there anything else you get up to when you're not making... Art?

James: Well, I have my own show on the Krappy Channel. [Editor's note: there is barely any content on that page] I also like playing Squidward's clarinet. [picks up a clarinet]

SpongeBob: Ooh, ooh, play us something!

James: Oh- OK. [starts to play the most beautiful clarinet song, much better than anything Squidward has ever done. Problem is he's a toilet, so toilet water comes out through the clarinet and gets all over the set]

SpongeBob: [crying] That was beautiful... Does Squidward know you use his clarinet?

James: [pause] No.

SpongeBob: Oh. [a janitor walks on set to clean up] OK, I don't really have many questions for a toilet and I'm also not a presenter. Uh, we have some questions from our viewers. Firstly, is it true you witnessed the castration of Zoltan?

James: [experiences a second long flashback] Yes. I have witnessed horrible sights as a toilet. Horrible, horrible sights... I wish I could unsee everything...

SpongeBob: It must be hard to live life as a toilet.

James: It's very hard, that's why I have the weird hobbies I do, it distracts me from the horrors...

SpongeBob: ...well on a totally different note, another viewer asks what your opinions on Hoopla Fish are?

James: Oh, don't even get me started. I don't like him. If he was able to keep his girl satisfied, she wouldn't be coming to me.

SpongeBob: [repeatedly blinks in shock] Another viewer asks "do you like" I think this is meant to say Breaking Bad.

James: Oh yes, I'm a big fan of Breaking Bad. I love it so much that I started making meth.

SpongeBob: What's that like?

James: I don't know, I know nothing about meth, I have no clue what I am doing.

SpongeBob: Alright, final question from our viewers: Trump or Biden?

James: Neither. You know what America needs, a left-wing president! Like Bernie Sanders or Howie Hawkins! We need to fight back against massive income and wealth inequality! We need to fight back the corrupt political system! We need to listen to the needs of working families, and not just corporate CEOs!

[SpongeBob is visibly shocked]

SpongeBob: Well, uh.

James: And you know what else we need, free healthcare! In 2020, 69% of Americans supported providing Medicare to every single American.

SpongeBob: Yep, uh huh.

James: And abortion rights are under attack!



James: I am pro-choice!

SpongeBob: I didn't expect a toilet to be so based... Well, that's all of the questions I have. You know, I don't know what Squidward always complains about. This is easy, we got the interview done in just a few minutes, I think we've all learned a lot about what toilets get up to in their spare time and we didn't get interrupted by anything!

[Elmo News Breaking News slide, Muscle Man is looking at something off-screen]

Muscle Man: OH NO BRO! You're watching Elmo News. Breaking News: Montenegro has nuked Long Island.

SpongeBob: Shit.

Muscle Man: Uh- apologies for the language there. Uh, it's not clear why Montenegro felt the need to nuke Long Island. Let's go to our reporter, Peter, who is live in Long Island. Uh- [he looks at something off-screen, his eyes widen] You know what actually no, we are not going live to Peter in Long Island, at all.

SpongeBob: This is a fucking joke, no wonder Squidward ended up in a mental hospital.

Muscle Man: We're waiting for Elmo to give us a report from Washington. Until then, let's go to Count von Count who has a weather update for us.

Count von Count: In Long Island, there will be one atomic bomb, ah ah ah! Two atomic bomb, ah ah ah! Three atomic bomb, ah ah ah! Four atomic bomb, ah ah ah! Five atomic-

Muscle Man: Count, I'm so sorry. We've got Elmo in Washington now, Elmo what's going on there?

[in Washington there are loads of people running around concerned, Elmo runs into the camera shot out of breath]

Elmo: Muscle Man, Elmo is here in Washington, where loads of people appear to be... Running around. Uh, Elmo has Granite who came here from Wales. What do you think of Long Island being nuked?

Granite: It's great to- to know that I was here, the day Long Island was nuked-

Elmo: Thank you, Granite. Now, [people have started rioting in the background] as you can see there are loads of people very concerned here-

Muscle Man: Yeah I'm thinking of moving to a bigger place, bro, I'm making some good money.

Elmo: [pause] So yeah, there's a lot of things going on over here. [Super Grover is seen flying to the Capitol in the background] It's not clear why Montenegro decided to nuke Long Island, Elmo News expects a speech from Joe Biden later today.

Muscle Man: You know who else has used a nuclear weapon on another country?

[Elmo just stares into the camera]

Muscle Man: The United States on 6 and 9 August 1945. They detonated two atomic bombs over the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The two bombings killed between 129,000 and 226,000 people, most of whom were civilians.

[Elmo is still staring into the camera]

Muscle Man: Thank you for that report. That was our political reporter, Elmo. Apologies again for any bad language you may have heard, the previous presenter on Elmo 3V forgot to mute his microphone.

SpongeBob: If it wasn't for the Christmas shift, I wouldn't fucking work.

Muscle Man: Elmo 3V is going to stay with Elmo News, a reminder of the breaking news that Montenegro has nuked Long Island.