Nobody's on New Squidward Chat

"Nobody's on New Squidward Chat" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * New Squidward Chat cameraman
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Super Grover
 * Janitor
 * Elmo 3V announcer
 * Rishi Sunak
 * Other unnamed MPs
 * Joe Biden
 * Elmo News presenter
 * Mario
 * Denzel Crocker
 * Blue
 * Red
 * Muscle Man
 * Donald Trump
 * Crowd
 * Paramedic
 * Reporters
 * Jeremy Kyle
 * Blue
 * Red
 * Muscle Man
 * Donald Trump
 * Crowd
 * Paramedic
 * Reporters
 * Jeremy Kyle

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

[the set is completely empty]

Cameraman: Uhh... Where's Squidward?

Producer: Oh. Oh shit. Uh... I don't think I have seen him today.

Cameraman: What?

Producer: Yeah, now that I think about it. I don't think there was a guest booked for this episode either. Hang on let me go upstairs. [he does so, the camera stays on the shot of an empty set. We hear him knock at the door.] Hey Squidward, are you- [Squidward roars and violently coughs. The producer closes the door and goes back downstairs.] Yeah, I don't think he's going to be able to host the show today...

Cameraman: What are we supposed to do? Can we get SpongeBob to host?

Producer: No, he's on leave for the rest of the season. I don't know anybody else. If only we had someone with presenting experience ready to host at such short notice.

Voice: I'll do it!

Producer: Who said that?

Voice: It's me!

[Super Grover flies into the set and crashes into the wall. Causing all of Squidward's portraits to break.]

Producer: Oh, you want to present New Squidward Chat?

Super Grover: Absolutely!

Producer: OK, that's great but... we still don't have a guest?

Super Grover: Don't worry! I know someone very high profile we can get! Just don't tell him it's me that's presenting...

Producer: OK, who is it? [Super Grover whispers something in his ear] Ooh, good one...

[a janitor walks onto the set]

Janitor: What are we doing about these portraits?

Producer: Well, we can replace them with some of Super Grover's choosing.

Super Grover: Yes, yes, that's a fucking excellent idea!

Producer: Oh great! Well we'll need to take a quick break first.

Super Grover: Ooh, ooh, this is great!

Elmo 3V announcer: We'll go back to New Squidward Chat in a few minutes. Until then, here's another chance to see this week's Prime Minister's Questions, with a warning for tempers fraying.

[Prime Minister's Questions]

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: Before we come to Prime Minister's questions, I would like to point out that live subtitles and a British Sign Language interpretation of proceedings are available to watch on parliamentlive.tv. We now start with questions to the Prime Minister. Richard Burgon!

Richard Burgon: Question number 1 please, Mr. Speaker!

Rishi Sunak: Mr. Speaker, today is International Women's Day!

House of Commons: Hearrrrrrrrrrrr! [Dominic Raab and Suella Braverman are talking about something in the background]

Rishi Sunak: At home, we're taking huge strides to deliver equal opportunities for women, such as mandatory pay gap reporting and the landmark Domestic Abuse Act; and internationally, we have launched today a new women and girls strategy, which puts them at the heart of everything that we do. Mr. Speaker, this morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues and others. In addition to my duties in this House, I shall have further such meetings later today.

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: Richard Burgon!

Richard Burgon: Thank you Mr. Speaker! Over 100 days ago, the Prime Minister promised to publish his tax returns. He still hasn't. People want transparency in our politics, especially because the Prime Minister is the richest Prime Minister in history and because of the concerns there have been. So why on earth hasn't the Prime Minister published his tax returns yet, when will he do so, and when he does so, will he include his US tax returns?

House of Commons: Hearrrr hear!

Rishi Sunak: Mi- uh, Mr. Speaker, as I prevously cofirmed [sic], I will publish my tax returns, and that will be done very shortly.

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: Anthony Mangnall!

MP: Hear hear.

Anthony Mangnall: Mr. Speaker, on International Women's Day can I congratulate the Prime Minister on allll the work that has been done on the preventing sexual violence in conflict initiative and ensure that the UK continues to show its global leadership? Uh, Mr. Speaker, there are two hundred and fifty THOUSAND people in this country living on park home sites. They are treated as second-class citizens by councils where they pay council tax, they are treated poorly by managers who own the sites, and they are at a disadvantage to when we roll out our incredibly generous energy schemes. Can the Prime Minister ensure that we can give them more support and help, and reform the Homes Act?

House of Commons: Hear, hear.

Rishi Sunak: My- uh- my honourable friend is right that there is still more work to do to tackle problems with the sector. Uh, we are making progress in implementing changes, Mr. Speaker. Park owners' rights are now codified in writing- uh- with the site owner, and should those obligations not be met, residents can take site owners to a tribunal. Local authorities also now have powers to take enforcement action, and we will continue to support them to improve protection for park home residents everywhere.

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: We now come to the Leader of the Opposition, Keir Starmer!

House of Commons: HEARRRRRRRRR!

SIr Keir Starmer: Uh, thank you Mr. Speaker!

Elmo 3V announcer: We're gonna leave the replay of Prime Minister's Questions there. I am pleased to say that we can now rejoin New Squidward Chat!

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Super Grover.



Super Grover: Greetings. I'm Super Grover. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"!

[the camera moves, there's still no guest on the set]

Producer: ...OK, so where's that guest you were talking to me about?

Super Grover: [pause] Yeah, he's coming. He'll be here in a few minutes. In fact. [gives the crew members scripts] When he does arrive, make sure you shout the questions on these scripts at him. [drinks something, the doorbell rings] Der he is!

[Joe Biden enters the house. All of the crew members start shouting questions at him, the questions are impossible to hear. Joe Biden just stares in confusion.]

Joe Biden: Gimme a break, man. [laughs]

Super Grover: YOU ARE NOT THE PRESIDENT!

Joe Biden: [talking to Producer] I came on this show because you told me Squidward would be presenting.

Super Grover: YOU'VE ALWAYS REFUSED TO COME ON MY HIT PRIMETIME SHOW SUPER GROVER TONIGHT ON ELMO NEWS!

Producer: What have I done?!

Super Grover: YOU STOLE THE ELECTION FROM THE ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

Joe Biden: C'mon, man!

Super Grover: YOU MADE UP THE CORONAVIRUS! THERE IS NO VIRUS, IT WAS A MYTH SO YOU COULD MAKE DONALD TRUMP LOSE THE ELECTION AND CONTROL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH YOUR "VACCINES"!

Joe Biden: OK, I've had enough of this. [Joe Biden pulls out a gun]

Super Grover: THE US CAPITOL RIOT WAS JUST A PEACEFUL GATHERING! [Joe Biden shoots Super Grover]

Producer: OH MY GOD!

Joe Biden: That was a bunch of malarky!

Producer: [holding Super Grover] SUPER GROVER SPEAK TO ME!

Super Grover: Why... Why haven't you done anything about the guns...

Joe Biden: ...Super Grover, you support the rights for the American people to have guns.

[A TV in an unknown location is playing Elmo News]

Elmo News presenter: And some breaking news, one of our news presenters, Super Grover, has been shot by Joe Biden!

[The room has a picture of Super Grover on the wall, Mario, a Minecraft creeper, Rick Sanchez, Denzel Crocker, Blue from Blue's Clues, the Red M&M, SpongeBob and Muscle Man. They all seem saddened by the news.]

Muscle Man: OH NO, BRO!

Elmo News presenter: Here is what Donald Trump thinks about the situation.

[Trump is at a rally]

Donald Trump: We need to make it harder for people to purchase guns!

[the crowd cheers]

Crowd: WE LOVE TRUMP! WE LOVE TRUMP!

[Super Grover is being put in an ambulance]

Super Grover: Hey... [speaking to a paramedic who is almost crying] If I don't make it... Please... [gives him a laptop] Destroy this laptop.

[Joe Biden is leaving Squidward's house. A group of reporters for the press are outside.]

Reporter: MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU GOING TO BAN ASSAULT WEAPONS?!

Joe Biden: Nope. [walks off]

Reporter: MR. PRESIDENT! [the rest of the statement is inaudible, as several other journalists are shouting questions at him at the same time]

[Back inside Squidward's house, there is no longer a host.]

Cameraman: Now what?

Producer: Hmm...

Elmo 3V announcer: We'll go back to New Squidward Chat in a few minutes, until then let's head back to Prime Minister's Questions. A reminder of our warning for tempers fraying.

[Prime Minister's Questions]

SIr Keir Starmer: Today, on International's [sic] Women's Day, we celebrate the successes of women in our society.

House of Commons: Yeah, hear hear!

Sir Keir Starmer: It's a crying shame that, as we do so, we face legislation which drives a coach and horses through our world-leading modern slavery framework, which protects women from exploitation.

House of Commons: Hear, hear!

Sir Keir Starmer: Mr. Speaker, in the last decade, this Government has introduced five plans to tackle illigrati- illi- illegal immiglation [sic]—five utter failures. The problem just gets worse with every new gimmick. The Home Secretary says the public are sick of tough talk and inadequate action. Does he agree with her assessment of this Government's record?

House of Commons: HEARRRRRRRRRRRR!

Rishi Sunak: Well Mr- Mis- Mis- Mr. Speaker, what the honourable gentleman fails to recognise that there is a global migration problem. We are not alone in facing these challenges. And it is precisely because, it is precisely because, that across Europe, the numbers escalating to the extent they are that we have brought forward new plans, because we are determined, Mr. Speaker, to ensure that this remains a compassionate and generous country, that that is done fairly and legally. That's why we will break the criminal gangs, Mr. Speaker. We've announced new agreements with Albania and France, tougher- tougher enforcement and now new legislation that makes it clear that if you come here illegally, you will be detained and swiftly removed. But Mr. Speaker, what we haven't heard is the honourable gentleman's plan. We know what it is: it's open-door immigration and unlimited asylum. Whilst he may be on the side of the people smugglers, we're on the side of the British people.

House of Commons: HEARRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sir Keir Starmer: Mr. Speaker, if he was serious about stopping the boats. [the house makes a noise impossible to describe] He'd actually steal our plan on stopping the boats, smash the gangs, sort out the returns [house of commons noises] and clean up the utter mess. Mr. Speaker-

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: Shh shh shh- I am going to hear this and nobody is going to- [pointing at someone] I wouldn't if I were you- Uh- [pointing at someone else] I think we've heard enough. I want to hear the questions and the answers and they won't be interrupted. Keir Starmer!

Sir Keir Starmer: Mr. Speaker, nobody on this side of the house wants open borders, on that side they've lost control of the borders. [house of commons noises] Now, he's promised the country- he's promised the country that this bill will stop all small boat crossings, no ifs, no buts. Sounds like more talk, so in the interests of adequate action, when will he achieve that?

MPs in the background: Yep, come on. Ah!

Rishi Sunak: Well Mis- Mr. Speaker, w- w- we- we- Mr. Speaker. Wh- will be implementing this plan as soon as we can pass it through Parliament so I look forward to the honourable gentleman's support. But- the- the reality is, Mr. Speaker, on this issue it- the- the honourable gentleman has been on the wrong side of this-

Sir Lindsay Hoyle: Look- Prime Minister, Mr. Stafford, if you don't want to hear him, you can go and have a good cup of tea, nice and strong I suspect, but I will hear him. Prime Minister!

MP in the background: ME!

Rishi Sunak: M- m- Mr. Speaker. The honourable gentleman-

Elmo 3V announcer: We're gonna leave the replay of Prime Minister's Questions there. For the second time, we can now rejoin New Squidward Chat!

[The Jeremy Kyle Show theme plays]

Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Jeremy Kyle.

[the crew cheers as Jeremy Kyle enters, while a janitor cleans up the blood in the background from when Super Grover was shot]

Jeremy Kyle: Hello my friends, good morning and a big big welcome to the show! Now, he's been accused of creating a culture of fear, being demeaning rather than demanding, but he says he holds himself to the highest standards of professionalism. Dominic Raab is on the show, that way!

[Dominic Raab enters to royalty-free music]

Jeremy Kyle: Welcome to the show. Figures that worked for you that I've spoken to have told me that your behaviour did amount to bullying. That "your approach put the fear of God", to quote someone, into members of your staff. You insist you are not a bully but do you accept that others think you are, and are you confident that you're gonna remain in your post in a few months time.

Dominic Raab: Well I've always engaged with the inquiry, uh- I will not comment on it at all and uh certainly not comment on anonymous claims made through the media, which of course are in breach of the rules of the inquiry.

Jeremy Kyle: Put it another way then, do you think you'll be exonerated and remain in post?

Dominic Raab: I- I have nothing more to say then I've already said at length.

Jeremy Kyle: OK so you're not sure you're gonna be exonerated?

Dominic Raab: Well it's an independent inquiry, I'm confident I've behaved appropriately at all times.

Jeremy Kyle: OK so you think you'll be OK?

Dominic Raab: Uh- [stutters] I'm not gonna comment on the outcome of the inquiry that is by definition independent.

Jeremy Kyle: [reading results of the lie detector test] OK when asked if you had ever bullied any of your staff you said no, why'd you say no?

Dominic Raab: 'Cause I was telling the truth.

Jeremy Kyle: The test says you're a liar!

Crew: OHHHHH! [Dominic Raab walks off]

Jeremy Kyle: Wh-where are you going? Right well that's it for today's New Squidward Chat, with me Jeremy Kyle. [Dominic Raab throws a tomato at him] WHAT THE?! [Dominic Raab throws more tomatoes at him]

[Squidward comes downstairs]

Squidward: Hey guys, I feel a bit better if you want to do the show now- [Dominic Raab throws a tomato at him]

Dominic Raab: Uh oh. [Squidward picks up the salad Dominic Raab was throwing tomatoes from and the two start throwing tomatoes at each other]

Jeremy Kyle: We're out of time, don't forget if you wanna be here, you need my help visit my website, the details are on the screen. [There are no details. Nobody needs nor deserves Jeremy Kyle's help] To my guests, to this crew and to you five watching at home [I think it's 5, I don't know, I don't keep up with the Kyle family] take care, bye bye for now!

[The crew cheers, another tomato is thrown at Jeremy Kyle as the episode ends]

Trivia

 * SpongeBot678 had to watch an episode of  to write this episode...