Fred Flintstone on New Squidward Chat

"Fred Flintstone on New Squidward Chat" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.

Characters

 * New Squidward Chat announcer
 * Squidward Q. Tentacles
 * New Squidward Chat producer
 * Unweighted baby
 * Unnamed members of the Spongebotland Parliament
 * Old Man Walker
 * The Flintstones announcer
 * Unweighted baby
 * Unnamed members of the Spongebotland Parliament
 * Old Man Walker
 * The Flintstones announcer
 * The Flintstones announcer

Transcript
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Sorry that I wasn't able to present last week's show. I think it's for the best if we all forget about what happened last week... Anyway, today, we're joined by... [checks notes] Fred Flintstone...

[The Flintstones theme song starts playing]

Fred Flintstone: Yabba-dabba-doo! [jumps into the set, breaking a window in the process]

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones

They're the modern stone-age family

From the town of Bedrock

They're a page right out of history

Let's ride with the family down the street

Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet

When you're with the Flintstones

Have a yabba-dabba-doo time

A dabba-doo time

We'll have a gay old time

Squidward: Welcome to the show, Fred... What convinced you to come on the show today?

Fred: Well, Squidward, I have a gambling problem.

Squidward: Oh...

Fred: Yep... I lost so many clams...The IRS are going to take my Rockbo.

Squidward: Your what?

Fred: My Rockbo. I parked it outside.

[Squidward looks through the hole in the wall, where the window used to be. He sees the prehistoric equivalent of a Lambo parked outside his house]

Squidward: Ah, I see.

Fred: And yeah, because of that I decided to go on some TV shows to try to get as much money as possible.

Squidward: What other shows have you been on?

Fred: Well, this is the first. The BBC wanted me to present Match of the Day though.

Squidward: Oh really?

Fred: Yeah, do you know what I told them?

Squidward: No?

Fred: I told them that women belong in the kitchen.

Squidward: Oh...

Fred: Yep. That's my personal view. And I- I- [clearly getting angry] I fully respect the views of people who think women deserve the same rights as men.

Squidward: [anxious] Well. I- uh.

Fred: I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my wife. She's a great cook.

Squidward: Oh no.

Fred: She's very good at other household chores as well, like mowing the lawn. In fact, here she is doing just that right now.

[Wilma suddenly goes through the house with the lawnmower]

Squidward: How did she get in-

Fred: But yeah that's basically all women are good for.

Squidward: [sweating] Uhh... [picks up book titled "How to make an already horribly offensive interview even worse"] "Bring up transgender people"

Fred: You know, one of the producers was talking about this game called Among Us.

Squidward: Oh God...

Fred: In the game you can either play as a "crewmate" or an "impostor". [Squidward gets out his phone] The "crewmates" have to do certain tasks identifying and voting out the "impostors". [Squidward is doing something on his phone] It's a lot like real-life, where the cisgenders have to identify the transgenders.

Squidward: [sighs]

Fred: Are you texting someone?

Squidward: [still on his phone] No, I'm just uninstalling the Twitter app from my phone.

[Suddenly, Barney Rubble appears in the house]

Barney: Hey, Fred!

Squidward: WHO THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU?!

Barney: Betty is doing my laundry.

Fred: They sure work hard, don't they Barney?

Barney: Yeah. I hate to see them work so hard.

Fred: Yeah, me too.

Squidward: HOW DID HE GET IN-

Barney: Gee we oughta do something, Fred.

Fred: OK. How's about taking a nap?

Squidward: We're in the middle of a show-

Barney: Hey, I got a better idea. [takes out a pack of cigarettes] Let's take a Winston break.

Fred: That's it! [takes a cigarette] Winston is the one filtered cigarette that delivers flavour 20 times a pack! [Squidward puts his head on his desk]

Barney: Yeah Fred! [Wilma brings the lawnmower through the house again] Winston packs rich tobacco specially selected and specially processed for good flavour.

Fred: Yeah, Barney! Winston tastes good like a- [Wilma and Betty suddenly give Fred and Barney all of the equipment they were using for the chores] cigarette should! Wait... What's going on here?!

Wilma: We're going on strike!

Fred: Wh- what? [Betty and Wilma leave] Barney, what are we supposed to do?!

Barney: I don't know, Fred. We've never done chores before.

Squidward: WHAT?! YOU'VE NEVER DONE CHORES BEFORE?!

Barney: Yeah, we've always left it to our wives while we smoke out back.

Fred: Sometimes if I'm feeling nice, Wilma gets to smoke too.

Squidward: Wh- do you not think that in a few decades, maybe even just a few years, you'll be looking back and thinking how ridiculous this is?

Fred: What colour's your Rockbo, Squiddy? [lights another Winston]

Squidward: [long pause] Well, if you've never done chores before, I know how you can start. [drinks from a cup on his desk, then spits it out on the rug] There's a stain on this rug, clean it.

[Fred goes on the floor and looks at the stain on the rug]

Fred: Hmm?

Squidward: Oh come on, it's not too hard.

Barney: He's right, Fred! If a woman can do it then that means anyone can!

Fred: That's true... [still looking at the stain] Barney, get me the mop!

Barney: OK Fred! [struggles to find the mop, eventually does] Here you go! [passes it to Fred]

Fred: Thanks Barney... [uses the mop handle to attack the rug and the portraits on the wall of the set]

[Squidward looks angry]

Fred: Hey look, the stain's gone.

Squidward: Great...

Barney: Gee Squidward, you don't look so good. Do you need a Winsto-

Squidward: NO!

Barney: OK...

[Fred's stomach rumbles]

Fred: Barney, we need to cook!

Barney: But Fred, we don't know anything about cooking.

Fred: It doesn't matter Barney. We can't just eat Winstons for the rest of our lives, although they do taste good like a cigarette should.

[Fred and Barney go to the kitchen]

Squidward: This is the second time this has happened.

[in the kitchen]

Fred: Alright, this shouldn't be that hard. [gets a bowl, pours some cereal, pours some milk, a fire starts in the bowl] OH MY GOD!

[Fred runs back into the set holding the bowl that's on fire]

Fred: FIRE! FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE!

Squidward: WHY DID YOU BRING THE BOWL IN HERE?!

Fred: I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT'S REALLY HOT!

Squidward: OF COURSE IT IS, IT'S ON FIRE! [a producer comes in and sprays a fire extinguisher]

[Test card]

Unweighted baby: Hello, you're watching Elmo News, I'm unweighted baby repeatedly beaten by a 6'7 male. On Wednesday the chancellor of Spongebotland, Wario, unveiled his budget. Here are some of the highlights.

[Spongebotland parliament]

Wario: WAH! The economy of Super SpongeBot678 3D Land is in great shape!

[the opposition start laughing]

Wario: After 2 hours of research before this budget, I have come to the conclusion that we will not be in a recession! WAH! Nevertheless, our economy is still in bad shape currently. We oughta make the pie higher!

[the government cheers]

Wario: I'm also aware that some people might be concerned about the cost of energy. That's why I am giving every family in Spongebotland free blankets!

[the government cheers]

Wario: This measure will save the average family about 3 SpongeBot Money Currency Dollars. WAH! We will also give 3 million SpongeBot Money Currency Dollars to help support swimming pools!

[the opposition laugh again]

Wario: WAH! Now, the forecast also says that they expect inflation this year. This meets the Prime MInister's target to have inflation this year!

Someone in the background: YOU DID IT!

Wario: I also want this budget to be pro-business. And by pro-business, I mean for my business! That's why I am making the rich give all the money they don't need TO ME, to help fund WarioWare, Inc! I will be automatically exempt from this. WAH!

[the opposition jeers]

Wario: The opposition may not like that, BUT I DON'T CARE! WE'RE IN GOVERNMENT AND THEY'RE NOT! WAH!

[the government cheers]

Wario: NOW, we're aware that fossil fuels are bad for the environment. Luckily, we found a solution. From now on, all of our energy will be coming from a GIANT HAMSTER WHEEL! WAH! This genius idea cost us 7 billion SpongeBot Money Currency Dollars, BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT! WAH!

[the government cheers]

Someone in the background: This is going great!

Wario: Work... We need to encourage young people to work. That's why I am making child labour legal! We need to prepare those kids for the real world, I don't care how young they are, they need to get used to what life really is like! WAH!

Wario: And finally, childcare! I am aware that some people afford good childcare. That's why I am opening up child markets!

The entire parliament: OOOOOH...

Wario: That's right, these will be markets where parents can sell their kids. That way if they can't afford the kids anymore, they can be sold on to someone who can afford children.

[everyone starts booing]

Wario: There are no flaws to this plan whatsoever. WAH! [sits down]

[Shadow Chancellor Old Man Walker stands up]

Old Man Walker: I- I'm not sure about that childcare idea. It sounds an awful lot like human trafficking... I- I also don't quite understand how this budget is going to affect my pension... Aaaand I- I- I forgot what I was going to say... [sits down]

[Wario stands up again]

Wario: WAH! I think child markets are an actual idea! I tested them out on Baby Wario and it worked out fine! That demonstration also showed that our child labour idea works well too! Baby Wario has a magnet that helps him attract coins, he's learning how to be rich just like ME! WAH!

[back to New Squidward Chat]

Squidward: Welcome back! I have no clue where Barney went but Fred is here with Wilma now. Fred has something he'd like to say.

Fred: Wilma, I tried to do chores about 5 minutes ago and now I realise how badly I've been mistreating you for all these years... I thought women were just there to do chores for men, but now I know they deserve the same rights as we have. So Wilma... [pulls out a Winston] Do you want a Winston break?

Wilma: [crying] I thought you'd never ask. [Fred lights a cigarette for her]

Announcer: The Flintstones has been brought to you by Winston, America's best selling, best tasting filtered cigarette.

Fred: Winston tastes good like a [clicks lighter] cigarette should!

Squidward: Aw, who knew an episode that started off with sexism would have a happy ending. Well that's it for this week's New Squidward Chat.

Fred: OH MY GOD! [looking through the hole in the wall] THEY'RE TAKING AWAY MY ROCKBO! [runs off]

Producer: Hey, here's your payment for your appearance in the sh-

Fred: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [runs outside and the camera follows him. Speaking to a repo man] HEY BUDDY! TAKE THIS! [gives him the money. The cameraman follows Fred into the car as he and Wilma drive off.]

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones

They're the modern Stone Age Family

From the town of Bedrock

They're a page right out of history

Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight

Then the cat will stay out for the night

When you're with the Flintstones

Have a yabba-dabba-doo time

A dabba-doo time

We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time!

Fred: WAIT! NOW I HAVE NO MONEY!